Table of Contents
Red Flags In Dating: Yes, dating is supposed to be fun, but is can turn into a nightmare of domestic violence. Here’s the warning signs to spot before its too late.Dating is supposed to be fun — dinners, laughs, maybe even a little romance. But too often, what starts out as “cute quirks” can end up being the early warning signs of abuse once the relationship gets serious. I’ve seen it up close in courtrooms, in client stories, and in life: people ignore the signals, hoping things will get better. Spoiler: they don’t. They get worse.
Here are the top 10 red flags in dating your partner may become abusive in marriage. If you see these patterns early, pay attention. You’re not overreacting — you’re protecting yourself. This is not a guarrantee that you can avoid all toxic relationships, viligance is important.
And too often, I see people excusing or ignoring these conducts until too late.
At it’s heart, domestic violence is about control. And why? Because the abuser is insecure, and has never learned how to deal with frustration like an adult. I’ve been married 37 years at the time of this blog. Does my wife sometimes annoy me? Do I annoy her? But, I’ve never hit or her me. We’re secure adults who know how to handle annoyance and frustration. Even during COVID when, like with many people, things were tense, we worked through it.
But, a person who has grown up in a chaotic household, who has not really matured, or is at heart insecure, will react differently. I’ve listed the 10 ten warning signs. I’m not a psychologist, despite what my clients may think. However, in 30 plus years as a divorce lawyer, I’ve seen somethings.
Most importantly, NEVER, EVER compromise your safety. If you feel in danger 911 is your friend. New York Family Court is also open to you even if you are not married. Here’s the Domestic Violence Hotline information.
If you are a victim here’s article on the evidence you need in court.
1. Red Flags in Dating: Excessive Jealousy Disguised as “Love”
If every time you talk to a coworker or friend, they accuse you of cheating or “flirting,” that’s not love. That’s control wrapped in insecurity. Jealousy today is surveillance tomorrow. This a huge red flag in dating. Jealousy can be attractive- “he loves me so much…” No, it’s not love. My wife never asks where I’m going or been.
She’s confident that I’m not cheating. And she’s right. I do open mics a few times a month. Sometimes I come home early, sometimes late. She’s secure in the knowledge that’s all I’m doing. I have a number of female friends, and younger female lawyers whom I mentor. Again, she’s not worried. She goes out with her friends, and sometimes without telling me. I don’t sit up seething and then demanding a report when she returns. All I do is ask if she had fun. Period. That’s healthly.
2. Isolation Tactics
Do they subtly (or not-so-subtly) discourage you from seeing family or friends? “Why do you need them when you have me?” Sounds romantic until you realize it’s just them cutting off your support system. Yes, you are in a relationship, but it is a not exclusive social one. You should have friends outside of the relationship.
This one is another huge red flag in dating, and signs of a toxic relationship. Again, to use my marriage as an example, I don’t know half of my wife’s friends and don’t care when she goes out with them. To be honest, I like it, because it gives the house to me, and I can watch non-Japanese television. Similarly, my wife doesn’t know all the people I know. And I’m pretty sure she looks forward to me leaving her alone at night.
3. Quick Escalation
If they’re talking about moving in, getting married, or having kids after a few weeks, slow down. Speed is a control tactic. Abusers want commitment before you spot the mask slipping. Yes, the abuser is a fake. They put on a big show of love and affection. This is a red flag in toxic relationships and signs that a toxic relationship could occur. The “love bombing” is the bait on the hook. Unfortunately, this works really well if you are insecure.
4. Overreaction to Small Things
Spill a drink, forget a call, show up five minutes late — if they blow up like you committed a felony, take the hint. Overreaction in dating often escalates to rage in marriage. My wife has ice-water in her veins. I am a divorce lawyer and was a prosecutor during the Crack Crisis. We’re both calm. We both know the difference between a real crisis and a petty annoyance.
Remember what I said in the introduction? An abuser doesn’t know how to deal with frustration. Their behavior is always out of proportion to the event. My friend, Tom Manzi (an outstanding elder law attorney) is a combat veteran and the most relaxed person I know. He likes to say, “I’ve been shot at. Everything else is easy.” Look at the event, is it reasonable to blow up? Generally no, that’s why this is a domestic violence red flag in dating.
5. “Joking” Put-Downs
Backhanded compliments, “jokes” that sting, constant criticism hidden under humor — it’s not teasing. It’s testing how much disrespect you’ll tolerate. This is also a perfect example of the insecurity. “I can only build myself up, by tearing you down.”
6. Control Over Money
Early signs: “Let me pay for everything, I don’t want you worrying about money.” Later signs: “You don’t need a job. I’ll handle all the money.” Translation: financial handcuffs. This is abig problem in the ultimate divorce. In fact, it’s a major reason that abuse victims don’t get the divorce: they are afraid of being destitute. “I make the money, you are worthless.” “You’ll be on the street” “You’re getting nothing.”
All lies to gain control. I ask my clients: “How do you know your spouse is lying? His lips are moving.” This is too big a topic to address in this article – here’s a link to the articles on this: https://nydivorcefacts.com/the-myths-of-the-divorce-process/, https://nydivorcefacts.com/new-yorks-equitable-distribution-law/ and https://nydivorcefacts.com/spousal-support/
7. Explosive Anger at Others
Watch how they treat waiters, drivers, strangers. If they’re constantly snapping, yelling, or belittling others, that anger isn’t going to skip you once the ring is on. This is similar to number 4. Again, it is born of insecurity, immaturity and inability to properly deal with frustration.
8. Shifting Blame
Nothing is ever their fault. Bad day at work? Boss’s fault. Fight with a friend? Friend’s fault. They yell at you? Your fault. This mindset fuels abuse: they’re always the victim, you’re always to blame. This also is the excuse for violence and adultery. “If only you weren’t… then I wouldn’t have to (cheat or hit you).” I have a lot of bad days. I leave them in the office and never trouble my wife. The shifting blame is also the tactic of the narcissist.
9. Extreme Need for Control
Do they insist on knowing where you are at all times? Demand access to your phone? Make all the decisions? That’s not “being protective.” That’s dictatorship in disguise. This is related to Numbers 1,2 and 6. See the pattern? The abuser’s ego is so small and fragile that only by dominating their partner do they feel their worth.
10. History of Violence or “Crazy Exes”
If every ex is “crazy” or they brag about fights, arrests, or “losing it” in the past, don’t shrug it off. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. In my stand up I have a joke and the punchline is “This guy came in for his 5th divorce. I said, maybe it’s you.” One divorce or even two is not necessarily a red flag. But, keep your eyes open.
Final Word
Abuse doesn’t start with a punch. It starts with patterns. If you recognize these red flags, don’t rationalize them away. Your safety and sanity come first. Think of the old adage of “How do you boil a living frog? Turn up the heat slowly.”
And here’s the kicker: you don’t have to wait for “proof” of violence to get out. If you’re uneasy now, trust your gut. Future you will thank you.
Call to Action: If you or someone you know is facing these warning signs, talk to a trusted friend, a counselor, or a lawyer. Knowledge is power — and so is the decision to walk away before it’s too late.
Call Port and Sava (516) 352-2999 for a free 15 minute consultation.
