How Do I Know If I’m Ready for Divorce?

You’re ready for divorce when remaining married is causing ongoing harm, real efforts to repair the relationship have failed, and you can move forward without creating avoidable legal or financial damage. Emotional certainty isn’t required. What matters is preparation, timing, and restraint.

That answer isn’t comforting, but it’s accurate. People rarely feel “ready” in the way they expect. They feel depleted. They feel stuck. They feel as though they’ve been waiting for something to change that never quite does. By the time most people ask this question, they’ve already been living with it for a long time.

I’ve spent years working with people at exactly this stage. They don’t come in dramatic or decisive. They come in tired. They’ve had the same conversations, the same arguments, and the same promises repeat themselves until the words lose meaning. What they’re really asking is not whether divorce is the right choice, but whether it’s finally acceptable to stop hoping that the marriage will become something it hasn’t been.

Ready for Divorce? Why This Question Comes Up Long Before Anyone Feels “Ready”

People struggle with this decision. Just from the statistics from my website, I can see that thousands of people come to this site and spend hours reading. I also can see when the traffic is the greatest: lunchtime during the week, and after 10 pm at night. People will call me on and off for months, in what I call “circling behavior.” I even have people sign retainers and then disappear for months, before finally making the decision.

It is hard. That’s why I don’t push, I let my clients come to the decision on their own time.

So if you’re reading this late at night, scrolling because your mind won’t shut off, that’s not accidental. This question tends to surface in quiet moments, when there’s no distraction left to buffer the reality of how things feel. That doesn’t mean divorce is inevitable. It does mean the status quo deserves an honest assessment.

Being ready for divorce is often misunderstood.

People assume readiness looks like calm, confidence, or clarity. In reality, it rarely does. Most people who wait for certainty end up waiting indefinitely.

When Safety Changes the Equation Entirely

Now, when Domestic Violence is involved, the calculations and timing must be different. Never compromise your safety. Ever. Here’s the Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ Or all 1-800-799-SAFE  (7233) or Text “START” to 88788.

Being Ready for Divorce has far more to do with recognizing patterns than reaching peace.

When the same core problems persist despite genuine attempts to fix them, when counseling hasn’t helped or a spouse refuses to engage meaningfully, and when staying feels driven by fear or guilt rather than improvement, those are signals worth taking seriously. Many people realize, often uncomfortably, that they feel more like themselves imagining life apart than they do within the marriage. That realization alone doesn’t mandate divorce, but it shouldn’t be ignored.

Adultery, drug or alcohol abuse will not disappear just because you ignore it. Nor does emotional abuse become easier to bear.

Why This Is Easier to See From the Outside Than the Inside

Many times, when a person comes to my office, I can identify the issues with their spouse in 30 seconds. Not because I’m a genius, but because all divorces follow a patten. Because divorce is my steady diet, I can see it immediately. But, for you, it is your life and your first time through this. It is much harder for you to recognize and more importantly, emotionally accept the situation.

Emotional Readiness Is Not the Same as Legal Readiness

One of the most important distinctions people miss is the difference between emotional readiness and legal readiness. You can be emotionally ready and still make decisions that create long-term damage.

You can also be legally prepared while acting emotionally, saying things early that later resurface in custody disputes or financial negotiations. Courts are indifferent to how resolved you feel.

They respond to timing, conduct, and evidence. I’ve seen people rush into filing because they “just want out,” only to trigger conflict that didn’t previously exist, complicate custody issues unnecessarily, or expose themselves financially in ways that could have been avoided with patience and planning.

When Waiting Makes Things Worse, Not Better

That doesn’t mean waiting is always wise. There are circumstances where delay is dangerous or counterproductive. Situations involving domestic violence, coercive control, substance abuse that affects children, severe unmanaged mental health crises, or financial deception call for action rather than contemplation. In those cases, safety and protection take precedence over emotional closure, and hesitation often increases risk rather than reducing it.

For everyone else, the question of readiness is less about courage and more about honesty. It requires asking whether you’re staying because the marriage is improving, or because leaving feels overwhelming. It requires acknowledging whether you’re holding onto a version of your spouse that hasn’t materialized, or a future that keeps moving further away.

Divorce doesn’t require certainty. It requires a willingness to trade short-term discomfort for long-term stability and to proceed in a way that doesn’t create avoidable harm.

Why Timing and Financial Reality Sometimes Matter More Than Emotion

Sometimes there are financial considerations which require the delay a divorce or maybe not go through it at all.

Even the issue of Health Insurance can play a role. Under Federal law, not State, divorce cuts off your ability to get health insurance under your spouse. I’ve worked deals where the parties don’t divorce, but enter an separation agreement to maintain the health insurance.

Social Security is also a concern. To get the spouse’s share of Social Security you must be married for 10 years. I’ve had cases where we’ve held off filing until year 10. https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/retirement/2024/12/25/spousal-social-security-benefits-to-know/77081988007/

For military spouses you need to be married 20 years with 20 years of overlapping military service to be a “20/20” spouse. Here’s a blog I did on that https://nydivorcefacts.com/military-divorce/#the-20-20-rule

The Real Goal Isn’t Certainty — It’s Clarity

If you take nothing else from this, take this: feeling conflicted does not mean you’re wrong. It means you’re paying attention. The goal isn’t to feel ready in some abstract emotional sense. The goal is to understand why you’re leaving, when to act, and how to do so without making an already difficult process harder than it needs to be.

I’m sorry if you thought that I could answer all your questions and tell you which decision is best. I can’t. Ultimately, the decision is up to you. Whether its me or any other lawyer, our job is advise and facilitate. We don’t make the decisions, you do.

One of the most important things to do is join a support group of people like you. If you can see that you are not alone, and talk to people who’ve been where you are, then making the right decision becomes easier.

I also talk about this topic in a short video — with my birds — because sometimes hearing it out loud lands differently than reading it on a screen. To be to honest, I think people like watching the birds better than watching me.