Table of Contents
How to Start a Divorce Without Drama – Introduction
In Part 1, we covered the hard truth that surprises a lot of people: New York is “no-fault,” but that doesn’t mean divorce is simple. It just means you don’t have to prove your spouse did something terrible in order to get divorced. It also means you can get divorced without dragging each other through the mud, which is a gift… and also something many people refuse to accept because they’re addicted to chaos. (NYDivorcefacts.com)
This part is about the approach that works best when you and your spouse are not trying to destroy each other.
Start a Divorce: The Soft Approach
To start a divorce without drama I used what I call it the soft approach.
Not because it’s weak.
Because it’s controlled, lacks drama, and utimately is better for your mental health.
And if you’re trying to get divorced with kids involved, “controlled” beats “emotional fireworks show” every single time.
What the soft approach is
The soft approach is when we start the divorce with a professional letter to your spouse, instead of immediately hitting them with court papers like a surprise ambush.
As a lawyer, I get served with papers all the time. I chat with the process server and take his card. Being served is part of the process. However, to a litigant, being served papers can seem like a gut-punch.
But, a letter, well, it’s the legal equivalent of knocking on the front door instead of kicking it in.
The point is simple:
We tell your spouse, respectfully but clearly, that divorce is happening, and we propose a framework to resolve it efficiently.
No threats.
No insults.
No fake moral superiority.
Just: This is real, here’s the roadmap, let’s handle it like adults.
Why a letter works (when it works)
A letter gives your spouse a moment to process the reality of what’s happening without instantly flipping into “fight mode.” They realize that you are serious.
Because here’s what happens when someone gets served out of nowhere:
They don’t calmly call their friend and ask “how does equitable distribution work?”
They panic. They get angry. They feel embarrassed. They start making bad decisions.
Then they hire the most aggressive attorney they can find, not because it’s smart, but because it feels emotionally satisfying for five minutes.
A letter reduces that chance. And strongly advises them to get a lawyer to get the right advice.
It also makes something very clear from Day One:
We are being reasonable. We are being fair. And we are not being pushed around.
That’s the sweet spot. In my opinion, unless there is serious domestic violence, assets being squandered or hidden, or an emergency with the children, this is the best way to start a divorce.
What we assume in this example
Let’s keep this grounded. This is the most common “normal working family” divorce I see.
Two W-2 employees.
Two kids.
A house.
401(k)s for both spouses.
No secret offshore accounts. No hidden businesses. No mysterious cash in a shoebox.
This is not a billionaire divorce.
This is not a soap opera.
This is two people who want to end a marriage, protect their kids, protect their finances, and move on without spending the next 18 months paying lawyers to argue about who gets the air fryer. To keep the drama (and cost) to a minimum, let’s try and start the divorce without using a cannon.
The two ways this goes
When you send the letter, one of two things happens.
Option 1: Your spouse doesn’t hire a lawyer.
This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ignoring it. Some people just want it over with. Some people can’t afford to hire anyone. Some people want to cooperate. Some people are in denial and think they can just “talk it out.”
If they don’t hire a lawyer, that doesn’t mean you should “go easy” in a way that hurts you later. It means you should be fair, clean, and organized, because if you overreach, the moment they realize it, the cooperation ends and you’re right back in conflict.
Option 2: Your spouse hires a lawyer.
This is normal. It’s smart. It’s usually what I expect.
And here’s the key point:
If the other side hires counsel, the soft approach still works, because now the lawyers can talk like professionals and work out terms while the emotions stay mostly contained.
But only if your letter is reasonable.
Because if the first thing your spouse’s attorney sees is an opening demand that screams “I want everything,” they’re going to treat you like someone who can’t be trusted to negotiate.
And then you’re off to court. Congratulations. You just bought yourself stress and legal fees.
The biggest mistake people make when they Start A Divorce: Overreaching
Overreaching. This is where people ruin their own divorce. They think negotiation starts by demanding the moon. They assume that’s how you get a good deal.
It’s not.
In divorce, overreaching is gasoline. It turns a manageable situation into a hostile one. I’m not saying that you don’t fight for what you are entitled to receive. But, demands must be tempered with realism. Yes, you can get the house, if you trade something for it. In my cop cases, we trade the Pension, the 457 and VSF for the house. Don’t demand half of the pensions plus the house.
You do not need to “win” your divorce. You need to finish it. The courts are not persuaded that “you are entitled to more” because your spouse is a horrible human being. You don’t get extra because your spouse cheated.
The soft approach works best when you start with something that feels like this:
“This is fair. This is realistic. This is firm. And we can get this done.”
Not:
“I want the house, full custody, no parenting time for you, I keep my retirement, you pay all support forever, and you also apologize publicly.”
That’s not a legal strategy. That’s a diary entry. And it will cause the divorce to drag on and cost money. In this scenario, the only winners are the lawyers. I had one case where the wife changed lawyers 4 times and made absolutely ridiculous. When we sold the house the proceeds are split between the lawyers. The parties got nothing. (Well, not quite, I funded half my fee back to the husband. I felt bad and he was a fellow veteran. Don’t expect your attorney to do the same)
What the letter should accomplish (without sounding like a threat)
A good soft-approach letter accomplishes five things. It confirms that the marriage is ending. It acknowledges the reality: kids are involved, finances are involved, and everyone needs stability.
It proposes an uncontested path forward, which usually means either:
(1) negotiating a settlement agreement, or
(2) moving quickly to file uncontested paperwork once terms are agreed.
It proposes a reasonable framework for the core issues:
custody/parenting schedule, child support, maintenance if appropriate, division of assets like the home and retirement accounts.
It sets a deadline to respond, because “let’s talk soon” is how divorce drags on for two years.
The tone matters more than people think
This is one of the few times in life where the words you choose can save you tens of thousands of dollars.
A soft approach letter should feel like:
Polite. Professional. Direct. Calm. Serious.
It should not feel like:
Passive-aggressive. Emotional. Sarcastic. Threatening.
Or worse, like someone trying to score points.
If your spouse reads it and thinks “I can work with this,” you’re winning.
If they read it and think “this person is coming for my throat,” you just created the war you said you wanted to avoid.
The basic divorce terms in this “normal case”
In this kind of divorce, most settlements revolve around a few predictable topics.
The house usually gets sold or one spouse buys out the other. Sometimes one spouse stays for a period of time so the kids have stability. But there’s always a plan.
401(k)s are typically divided as marital property, usually by a QDRO or similar mechanism depending on the type of account.
Child support is formula-based, but parenting time, custody, and add-on expenses like child care, camps, and medical costs are often where couples need structure.
And the #1 issue that causes unnecessary fighting: people refusing to accept that “fair” does not mean “I get everything I want.”
The point: get it done without breaking your family
If you’ve got two kids, your divorce is not the end of your relationship with your spouse.
It’s the end of your marriage, but you’re still going to co-parent.
So the goal here is not to “defeat” the other side.
The goal is to create a structure where:
the kids are okay,
both households stabilize financially,
and nobody is forced into a permanent war over text message.
Soft approach divorce is the grown-up method.
It doesn’t make you a pushover.
It makes you efficient.
And efficiency is what gets you to the finish line.
Sample “Soft Approach” Letter (Template)
Re: Divorce / Settlement Discussion
Dear [Spouse Name],
We have been retained by your spouse to obtain an uncontested divorce. We strongly advise you to seek legal counsel. Since we represent your spouse we cannont provide any advice to you.
Your spouse wishes to resolve this matter without unnecessary conflict, and with a focus on what is best for for children and both households going forward.
Please have your lawyer contact me, so that we can move this forward to a resolution.
Sincerely,
[Name]
One last point (because nobody likes surprises)
If this soft approach works, it usually saves people a ton of money and stress.
If it doesn’t work, then fine: we pivot to the formal approach, file, and move the case forward through the court process. New York courts themselves even note uncontested divorce filing fees alone start at $335, and that’s before process servers, attorneys, and everything else. (New York State Unified Court System). And no, don’t believe the billboards. There is no such thing as a “$299 Divorce, no spouse signature needed.”
But when people can settle early, the savings can be massive.
If you have questions, call us at (516) 352-2999, for a free 15 minute telephone consultation. For uncontested divorces we offer flat rates. But, if it becomes contested no attorney can predict the final price.
