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The All Important Statement of Networth: 4 Critical Steps

Gary Port
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The All Important Statement of Networth: 4 Critical Steps

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Summary of Blog:

Critical Divorce Document: The Statement of Net Worth is a mandatory, sworn financial disclosure in all divorce cases involving finances—covering income, expenses, assets, and debts.

Foundation for Support and Property Claims: Courts and attorneys rely heavily on this document to assess spousal and child support, as well as equitable distribution of marital assets.

Accuracy is Key: ?Errors or omissions in the Statement can lead to severe legal consequences, including sanctions or adverse rulings—making honesty and completeness vital.

What is the Statement of Networth

The Statement of Networth is a critically important document in New York Divorce Law. It must be filled out several times during the divorce. You cannot make an application for child or spousal support without it. It is required to be filed with the court in advance of the first conference with the court, called the Preliminary Conference.

In this document the parties are suppose to list every single asset, debt and income. And then the parties swear to the truth of the document. Here’s a link to the form. Take a look at and you’ll see how complex and detailed it is. And this is an official court document.

This document is very invasive and can be overwhelming. I’ve seen countless people go through this, and so I know how overwhelming it can be. I had one client cry when I handed her the blank form.

But don’t worry—I’m going to break down exactly what happens after financial disclosure in a divorce, so you know what to expect and can prepare for what’s ahead.

We need to figure out what each party earns, owns and owes:

  • Income (salary, bonuses, rental income, investments)
  • Expenses (housing costs, child care, health insurance, debts)
  • Assets (bank accounts, retirement accounts, real estate, vehicles)
  • Debts and Liabilities (credit card balances, mortgages, loans)

The purpose of this form is to ensure that both parties have a clear and accurate understanding of each other’s financial situation. This transparency is essential in determining:

Filing Out the Statement of Networth

The first step to filling out the Statement of Networth is not to panic and worry about all the questions. Recall, that the Court created the form as a one size fits all solution. Most of the questions have nothing to do with you. Only answer the questions that relate to you.

Next, all the boxes are for monthly expenses or monthly payments. If the debt occurs only once a year, divide it by twelve. For examine, if you took a family vacation and spent $6000, then divide that number by 12, and put that number in the “vacation expense” box. In this example that is “500.”

Keep in mind in the section on expenses we are looking for what you spend on a monthly basis. In the asset section, we are looking for what you own. This includes bank accounts, cars, houses, etc.

The debt section is what you owe. I’ve seen many folks get confused over this. In the monthly expense section, we want your monthly payment on the mortgage, for example. But, in the debt section we need to know the total amount owed on the mortgage, not your monthly payment.

We all need to know about all of your bank accounts and retirement accounts. Even if you want to claim a bank account you got from your mother as separate property, you must put it down on the Statement of Networth.

That’ right, even separate property gets listed on the form

Step 1: Gather Your Financial Documents

Before you start filling out the form, collect all necessary financial records, including:
a. Recent pay stubs (to verify income)
b. Last 2-3 years of tax returns
c. Bank account statements (checking, savings, investment accounts)
d. Retirement account statements (401(k), IRA, pensions)
e. Mortgage and loan statements (credit cards, car loans, personal loans)
f. Utility and household bills (rent, insurance, medical expenses)

Having these documents on hand will make completing the form much easier and more accurate.

Step 2: Be Thorough and Honest

It’s tempting to leave out certain details—maybe a side hustle, a recent bonus, or an asset you don’t want to share. However, honesty is key. Courts take financial disclosure very seriously, and if you or your spouse provide false or incomplete information, it can lead to penalties, fines, or even a court ruling that favors the other party.

Step 3: Categorize Your Expenses and Assets

Your form will require a breakdown of:

  • Monthly expenses (rent, groceries, utilities, transportation)
  • Fixed debts (car loans, student loans, credit card debt)
  • Joint assets and separate property (detailing what was acquired before or during the marriage)

The more detailed your disclosure, the more smoothly your divorce proceedings will go.

Step 4: Be careful

This is a sworn document. If you have to go trial or even a deposition, you will be questioned about all the items in your Statement of Networth. If you have left out a bank account, or a stock account, or even a house, count on your spouse’s attorney knowing about it. I really hate when my client is being cross examined and I find out for the first time about a hidden asset. It never goes well.

The Jumping Point

Once financial disclosures are exchanged and verified, the real work begins.

Many times the parties are indeed being honest and we can move forward to negotiating a settlement. Other times the Statement of Networth is a jumping point, and can lead us to more assets and more bank accounts. In today’s electronic society it is very hard to hide money. Even cryto can often be found.

Your lawyer has to the power to subpoena records. For example, if I subpoena bank records, I can find money for purchases, or even money going to other bank accounts. In one case, one bank account led me to 13 other accounts. The mother was claiming an income of $29,000 a year and I found that she spend $29,000 A MONTH!

Court Motions and Forcing the Truth

I mentioned the Preliminary Conference above. That is the first meeting with the Judge and the Judge wants the Networths exchanged. The court will also set a schedule to turn over bank records and other financial documents

Judges really don’t like when one party plays hide the ball. The Judge has power to issue orders to force disclosure. And as I said above, the attorneys can also issue subpoenas.

If a party is still hiding assets, the Judge can sanction them, and force them to pay a monetary penality. The Judge can also prevent them from presenting evidence at trial. This could prevent them from defending their case. The court can also take “an adverse inference.” What that means is that the court can infer that the failure to produce the documents was intended to hide assets. For example, if the Judge take an adverse inference, then she could award more than 50% or even 100% of another asset to the innocent spouse. If spouse 1 hides accounts, then the Judge could award spouse 2 the entire million dollar house.

Pre-Trial Preparation (If No Settlement)

If you and your spouse cannot agree on financial matters, your case will move toward trial preparation. This phase involves:

  • Depositions (sworn testimony from both spouses and possibly experts)
  • Gathering expert witness reports (such as forensic accountants or property appraisers)
  • Subpoening finanical records
  • Possibily hiring a forensic account
  • Preparing legal arguments for trial

This phase can be expensive and time-consuming, but in some cases, it’s the only way to ensure a fair outcome—especially if one party is hiding assets or refusing to negotiate in good faith.

Final Settlement or Trial

Option 1: Reaching a Final Settlement

The reality is that most divorce cases settle before going to trial. I have divorces settle on the day of trial or even during the testimony of a witness. This is becasue after months of back-and-forth, many couples realize that a drawn-out court battle isn’t worth it. A final settlement will typically include:

  • A written agreement outlining how assets, debts, and support payments are divided.
  • Final court approval, where a judge reviews the terms to ensure fairness.
  • Execution of necessary transfers, such as changing property deeds or dividing retirement accounts.

Once everything is signed, the judge finalizes the divorce, and you can finally move forward.

Option 2: Going to Trial

If no settlement is reached, your divorce will go to trial. This is where each side presents evidence and arguments before a judge, who will make the final decisions. Divorce trials can be:

  • Expensive (legal fees can skyrocket)
  • Emotionally draining (public court battles take a toll)
  • Time-consuming (some cases drag on for years)

A judge’s ruling is final, and both parties must abide by the decision, even if one disagrees. Every Judge I know warns people against trial. Everyone of these asks “Do you want a stranger to decide your life.”

Final Thoughts: Be Proactive, Stay Informed

Understanding what happens after financial disclosure in divorce can help you stay prepared, reduce stress, and protect your financial future. Whether you’re in negotiations or headed for trial, knowing what’s next allows you to make informed decisions and avoid costly mistakes.

Every divorce is different, so it’s always wise to consult an experienced family law attorney to guide you through the process. And remember—you’re not alone. Divorce is a challenging journey, but with the right approach, you can come out stronger on the other side.

Need Help with Your Divorce?

Call Port and Sava for a free 15 minute telephone consultation at (516) 352-2999. We help you get on with the rest of your life.

Frequently Asked Questions: Statement of Net Worth in New York Divorce Cases

1. What is a Statement of Net Worth?

A Statement of Net Worth is a detailed, sworn financial document required in New York divorce cases. It lists your income, expenses, assets, debts, and financial obligations—and must be completed accurately under oath.

2. Who needs to file a Statement of Net Worth?

Both parties in a divorce involving financial issues—such as spousal support, child support, or property division—must file a Statement of Net Worth. It ensures full financial disclosure between the spouses and to the court.

3. What happens if I don’t file one?

Failing to file a Statement of Net Worth can delay your case, lead to court sanctions, and weaken your credibility. Courts view full financial disclosure as critical to a fair divorce process.

4. What if I make a mistake on my Statement of Net Worth?

Mistakes—especially omissions or understatements—can seriously hurt your case. Errors can lead to penalties, adverse rulings, or findings that you tried to mislead the court. Always double-check the numbers or work with your attorney to ensure accuracy.

5. Is it okay to estimate my expenses and assets?

While some estimates are inevitable (like future expenses), you should be as precise as possible. Use real numbers from bank statements, pay stubs, bills, and tax returns to back up your entries.

6. What financial information do I have to include?

You must list:

  • All sources of income (wages, bonuses, investments)
  • Monthly living expenses (housing, utilities, insurance, etc.)
  • All assets (bank accounts, retirement accounts, property, valuables)
  • All debts (credit cards, loans, mortgages)

7. Will the court actually look at every line of the Statement of Net Worth?

Yes. Judges and attorneys carefully review these documents to understand each party’s financial position. The Statement can influence decisions about spousal support, child support, property division, and legal fees.

8. Can my spouse and I agree not to file a Statement of Net Worth?

Generally, no. The court requires financial disclosures to ensure any agreements made are fair, informed, and enforceable. Even in uncontested divorces, at least one party’s Statement is typically required. But, in some uncontested divorces the parties can agree not to do them. This is only a good idea if both parties know exactly what the marital assets are.

9. How detailed should my entries be?

Be thorough and honest. It’s better to over-disclose than under-disclose. Providing full details about your finances shows good faith and protects you from accusations of hiding assets or income.

7 Proven Strategies for Divorcing a Narcissist and Regaining Control

Gary Port
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7 Proven Strategies for Divorcing a Narcissist and Regaining Control

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SUMMARY OF BLOG:

Unique Challenges: Divorcing a narcissist involves navigating high-conflict behavior, manipulation, and attempts to control the narrative—requiring strategic planning and emotional resilience.

Legal Strategy is Crucial: Protective court orders, detailed parenting plans, and thorough documentation can help counter a narcissist’s tactics during custody and support battles.

Shielding Your Well-Being: Setting firm boundaries, securing strong legal representation, and maintaining support systems are key to minimizing trauma and achieving a fair outcome.

Introduction

Divorcing a narcissist turns your life into a chess match. One wrong move can cost you dearly. The manipulation tactics and emotional warfare make even my strongest clients question their sanity.

Let me be clear – narcissists don’t see divorce as a legal process. They take it as a personal attack. What should be a straightforward separation becomes an exhausting battle of control and dominance. I’ve watched countless spouses struggle through this ordeal, their confidence crumbling under relentless psychological pressure.

My years in family court have taught me what works. The strategies I’ll share here have helped my clients break free while protecting themselves emotionally and financially. We’ll look at building your legal defense, setting boundaries that work, and keeping your sanity through it all. These aren’t just theories – they’re battle-tested approaches that have helped real people escape narcissistic control and rebuild their lives.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Take a Deep Breath and Focus

Living with a Narcissist can make you question reality. I have lost count of the times clients have come into my office and told me what a great liar their spouse is. Also, how knowledgable or powerful.

I have yet to meet a Narcissist who was a good liar, knew the court system or was powerful.

Narcissists are what I call a “bar stool liar.” You know these guys, they sit on the bar stool and tell tall tales. “Did I tell you about the time I saved the president’s life?” In a bar, no one challenges the liar because there is no point in doing so.

However, things are very different in a courtroom, and massively different when the narcissist must take the witness stand. Cross examination is not what you’ve seen on television. In the hands of a skilled and experienced lawyer, it is a crucible of truth.

Think about this: A liar makes up a lie for the movement. But, because it is an invention, it is not complete or detailed. It a 2 dimensional picture. Under cross examination, the liar must now come up with details, on the fly. It doesn’t go well.

Also, in Westchester, New York City, Nassau and Suffolk, the Judges who handle divorces, do nothing but divorces. This is not bright, shiny and new. This is another day at the office.

Keep in mind, the Judge has heard every lie and story that your spouse can come up with 100 times this past week.

Divorcing a Narcissist: Understanding The Patterns

When divorcing a narcissist it is important to understand that they follow a playbook. After over 30 plus years doing divorce I have found that their moves become as predictable as a rerun movie. The trick lies in spotting these patterns before they trap you in their game.

Common manipulation tactics

Let me tell you what narcissists do to keep control. They love gaslighting – making you doubt your own mind, and financial manipulation – hiding assets or withholding financial information. Every narcissist I’ve dealt with uses what I call the “manipulation trinity”:

  • Emotional blackmail through guilt-tripping
  • Spreading false narratives about their spouse
  • Using children as bargaining chips in negotiations

Predictable behavior patterns

The narcissist’s divorce dance starts with sweet talk. First comes the love-bombing and those grand promises of change. When that fails – and trust me, it always does – they switch to aggressive mode.

Warning signs of escalation

The most dangerous moment comes when narcissists feel their control slipping away. Watch for these warning signs – they’re like storm clouds gathering before a hurricane. Increased gaslighting, mysterious money moves, or trying to cut you off from friends and family. The situation usually explodes right after being served divorce papers. That’s why you need safety measures ready before the papers hit their hands. And 911 is your friend. Never, never compromise your safety when you are divorcing a narcissist. If you feel at risk for injury call 911.

The strongest defense starts before the first court filing. Let me share what my years as a divorce lawyer have taught me about outsmarting narcissistic spouses.

Gathering crucial documentation and evidence

Documentation becomes your shield in court. Just last month, a client’s carefully saved text messages exposed her husband’s violent tendencies and manipulative behavior. Here’s what you need to collect:

  • Financial records and tax returns
  • Text messages and emails showing manipulative behavior
  • Photos of property and assets
  • Records of any concerning incidents or interactions

Store these documents in a secure location where your spouse cannot access them. I’ve watched too many cases crumble because crucial evidence vanished from kitchen drawers and home offices.

Your attorney needs more than legal expertise – they need to understand the narcissistic playbook. Interview multiple lawyers and ask directly about their experience with high-conflict divorces. A good attorney won’t just know the law – they’ll recognize manipulation tactics and know how to counter them.

You and your lawyer are team, make sure that you can work together. Balance care, compassion and price with getting the results to which you are entitled under the law.

Creating a strategic timeline for divorce filing

Timing can significantly impact the outcome of your case. Get those financial documents copied before filing, if you can. However, in the divorce process all parties must turn over all financial records. In the 21st Century, unless your spouse is in an all cash business without any inventory, we can find the money.

Map out your timeline and set up secure ways to talk with your legal team. Trust me – narcissists follow a script. The moment those papers arrive, they’ll try grabbing assets or spreading lies about you.

Under New York law, once the papers are filed, no one can transfer or move assets. Doing such is contempt of court, and Judges will punish, and even incarcerate the wrongdoer.

I’ve seen solid evidence turn hopeless cases into victories. Last year, a client’s detailed records of her husband’s threatening texts saved her thousands in legal fees. The judge took one look at those messages and shut down his custody demands. Remember – thorough preparation isn’t just helpful, it’s your lifeline.

Creating Your Support System

Legal strategy wins cases, but emotional support keeps you standing through the fight. Let me tell you something – the strongest clients I’ve seen weren’t just legally prepared, they had people in their corner.

Building a professional team

Your support team needs more than just lawyers. A therapist who understands narcissistic abuse becomes your secret weapon for emotional survival [7]. The right counselor makes all the difference. Last week, a client told me her therapist helped her see through her ex’s manipulation tactics – something she couldn’t do for years.

Developing personal support networks

The clients who make it through with their sanity intact? They’ve got friends and family who get it. Support groups for people divorcing narcissists work wonders – there’s something powerful about sitting with others who’ve walked in your shoes. These folks understand what you’re going through in a way even your closest friends might not.

It is liberating when you find a support group with people who have had similar experiences. You realize that you aren’t the crazy one.

Finding specialized therapy resources

You need a therapist who speaks narcissist. Here’s what good therapy gives you:

  • Tools to process emotional trauma and rebuild self-esteem
  • Strategies for maintaining boundaries during divorce proceedings
  • Techniques for emotional regulation when dealing with a narcissistic ex
  • Skills for rebuilding confidence and personal identity

Therapy gives you a safe place to fall apart and put yourself back together. Some of my clients swear by specialized trauma therapy like EMDR or DBT. Remember – we’re not just trying to get you through this divorce. We’re aiming to help you come out stronger on the other side.

Implementing Digital Protection Strategies

Digital evidence makes or breaks divorce cases these days. 81% of divorce attorneys find social media evidence worth showing in court. Let me tell you why this matters. Let’s be honest, Narcissists are not bright. And they tend to leave a wide electronic trail. Let’s use it. But, so do you.

Securing electronic communications

The first thing my clients hear from me: change every password right now. Email, bank accounts, everything. Make those passwords impossible for your spouse to guess. Use a program like Roboform to create and store impossible passwords. Turn on two-factor authentication.

In New York, access to emails can be a tricky subject.

In one published legal decision, a wife argued that her husband had given her his email password and never formally withdrew his permission for her to access his emails after they separated. On the other hand, the husband maintained that he never allowed her to use his email and believed that filing for divorce should automatically revoke any such permission.

The court decided that even if the wife might have accessed her husband’s emails without permission, she did not “intercept” the communications as they were already stored and not in transit. This means that the emails did not fall under specific legal protections that apply to intercepted communications. Furthermore, the court noted that there isn’t a law that automatically revokes permission to access emails upon the initiation of a divorce. As a result, the emails could be used in court as long as they didn’t breach the attorney-client privilege, which protects confidential communications between a lawyer and their client.

The lesson? If you are filing the divorce change that passport before your spouse is served. If you’ve been served, change that password immediately.

Managing social media presence

Social media becomes a weapon in divorce court. Here’s what you need to do right now:

  • Lock down those privacy settings
  • Cut off your spouse and anyone close to them
  • Turn off location tracking
  • Stop posting about your divorce or new relationships

Think twice before posting anything. 66% of divorce cases use Facebook as evidence. That innocent dinner photo? I watched it destroy a client’s claim for financial support or undermine a custody claim.

Documenting online interactions

Save everything your narcissistic spouse sends you. Create special folders for emails, texts, social media message. Don’t hit delete, even if the message makes you look bad. Deleting evidence can get you in serious trouble with the court. Take screenshots instead – they’re your insurance policy.

Remember, your phone holds a record of everything. Just like those text messages I mentioned earlier – they don’t disappear just because you delete them. Your spouse’s messages today might be your evidence tomorrow. Back them up. There are a number of apps which will back up your text messages to the cloud. I’ve had many a case turn on text messages.

Maintaining Emotional Strength

Divorcing a narcissist drains you emotionally. The stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil hit harder than most people realize. My clients often walk into my office looking shell-shocked, wondering how they’ll make it through another day.

Recognizing manipulation tactics

When divorcing a narcissist, stay on your toes, they play dirty pool. They’ll gaslight you until black looks white, shift blame faster than a street magician, and charm everyone around you into taking their side. The sooner you spot these tricks, the better you’ll protect yourself. Recently (as of this writing), a client caught her husband’s manipulation attempt during a custody exchange – she recognized his fake charm offensive because we’d talked about it beforehand.

Building a support network

You need people who understand narcissistic abuse in your corner. Find a therapist who specializes in this field – they’ll give you tools to process the crazy-making behavior. Support groups work wonders too. Something powerful happens when you sit in a room with others who’ve walked this path. They get it. They really get it.

Implementing self-care practices

Your emotional strength needs daily maintenance. Here’s what works:

  • Regular exercise and balanced nutrition to manage stress
  • Mindful meditation and journaling for emotional processing
  • Adequate sleep to maintain mental clarity
  • Engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation

Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re weak – it means you’re human. The strongest clients I’ve seen still have moments when they break down. The difference? They know how to put themselves back together. Regular therapy becomes your anchor, especially when the gaslighting intensifies during divorce. Trust me on this – I’ve watched therapy turn victims into survivors more times than I can count.

This will pass. Unfortunately, so do kidney stones, and just as painfully.

Mastering Strategic Communication

Communication makes or breaks your divorce case. Let me tell you something – the smartest legal strategy falls apart if you can’t control your responses to a narcissist’s bait.

Using the gray rock method effectively

The gray rock method saves my clients’ sanity. Picture yourself as boring as a gray rock – that’s your superpower. Here’s how to do it:

  • Keep responses brief and factual
  • Avoid sharing personal information or emotions
  • Use neutral phrases like “I’ll consider it” or “I understand”
  • Focus on necessary topics only, like childcare or legal matters

Maintaining written records

Document everything. Trust me on this – waiting 15-24 hours before responding keeps you from sending emotional messages and builds your paper trail. Answer only what’s asked. No explanations, no justifications. Recently, a client’s careful record-keeping exposed her ex’s pattern of manipulation in court.

I even have clients who send me the response first, just to make sure it is appropriate and doesn’t give their spouse ammunition in court.

Managing high-conflict situations

Narcissists feed on emotional reactions. Stay cool as a cucumber – it drives them crazy. Stick to facts you can prove. When things heat up, remember this: you don’t have to answer right away. Bring someone with you for face-to-face meetings. Creates witnesses and keeps boundaries solid. I also recommend keeping your phone on audio record, but don’t let your spouse know what you are doing. They will then start playing for the recording.

Remember, you’re not trying to win arguments here. You’re building a fortress around yourself. Consistent documentation and fact-based communication become gold when you need the judge to step in.

Reclaiming Your Identity

The hardest battles happen after the divorce papers get signed. Your identity needs rebuilding. The narcissist spent years trying to reshape you – now comes the work of finding yourself again.

Rebuilding self-confidence

Those criticisms your ex threw at you? Nothing but control tactics. I’ve had clients who believed that they were worthless at parenting until therapy showed them the truth. Here’s what works:

  • Regular therapy sessions to process trauma
  • Daily self-care routines that nurture wellbeing
  • Engaging in activities that bring personal joy
  • Reconnecting with supportive family and friends

Creating new personal goals

Goals give you direction when you feel lost. Start small – maybe that painting class you always wanted to try. One of my clients picked up guitar after 20 years away from music. The joy on her face when she played her first song? Pure magic. Your future belongs to you now.

I had one client who hadn’t really worked. She got a job, and her employers loved her so much that they kept promoting her. This taught her about her true worth.

Developing healthy relationships

Take your time here. Learn who you are without the narcissist’s voice in your head. Watch how people treat you – do they lift you up or tear you down? Healthy relationships feel different. They should add to your life, not drain it. The other day, a client told me she finally understood what respect felt like in a relationship. That’s what we’re aiming for.

Safeguarding Your Children

Children become casualties in narcissistic divorce battles. The fighting between parents, not the divorce itself, tears kids apart emotionally and behaviorally. Let me tell you what really hurts them – watching their parents use them as weapons.

Documenting parenting concerns

Document everything about your children’s experiences. My client’s detailed records of her ex’s behavior patterns helped her win primary custody. Write down:

  • Missed visitation appointments or late pickups
  • Inappropriate comments or manipulative behaviors
  • Changes in children’s emotional state after visits
  • Any incidents of neglect or concerning behavior
  • DO NOT RECORD YOUR CHILDREN. Judges absolutely hate when parents record children in a divorce

Creating a custody battle strategy

Courts care about one thing – the child’s best interests. Sounds simple, right? Here’s the kicker – divorce can be more psychologically challenging for children than dealing with the death of a parent. Your kids need stability now more than ever. Structure becomes their safety net during these turbulent times.

Supporting children’s emotional needs

Your children need one rock-solid parent to hold onto. Remember this – children identify as 50% of each parent. Bad-mouthing your ex tears down half of your child’s identity. Get them professional help – a good child psychologist becomes their safe harbor in this storm.

When you bad mouth the ex, you set yourself up for a claim that you are alienating the children.

Establishing Post-Divorce Boundaries

Boundaries become your lifeline after divorce. Strong fences make better neighbors – especially when that neighbor is a narcissistic ex-spouse. Let me tell you what works.

Setting communication guidelines

Think business, not personal. Your ex becomes a difficult coworker you must tolerate. Here’s what saves my clients’ sanity:

  • Use written communication whenever possible
  • Respond within 24 hours to urgent matters
  • Keep messages brief and factual
  • Document all interactions systematically

The less emotion you show, the more control you maintain.

Here’s a real important point. During the divorce, with the judge looking down on you two, your ex might give the appearance of complying. However, once the divorce is over, many of these people think that scrutiny is off. No it is not. In fact, it never is.

I have gone back to court many times after the divorce is over because of misconduct by the ex. It is amazing that many of these folks really think that when the divorce is over, no rules apply. They do. And I’ve seen narcissists love visitation after the divorce, and even go to jail for violating court orders.

Creating enforcement mechanisms

Legal muscle backs up your boundaries. A Parenting Coordinator or mediator cuts through the drama. My clients use court-approved messaging systems for every interaction. These systems catch everything – no more he-said-she-said battles. The Court love Our Family Wizard.

There is a monthly cost. But, not only can you exchange messages, but documents, such as medical bills.

Managing shared responsibilities

Structure becomes your best friend in co-parenting. Write down every detail in your parenting plan. Keep those organized records of agreements and court orders handy. The court order and stipulation of settlement are you new bibles. If your ex violates them, you can file for contempt. Contempt is easy to prove: Was there an order? Did s/he violate it?

Stick to the basics – medical appointments, school events, nothing else].

Conclusion

Divorcing a narcissist takes more than legal paperwork. You need strategy, boundaries, and emotional armor. The strongest shield? Documentation. The sharpest sword? Strategic communication. My courtroom battles taught me this – winning means playing both defense and offense.

Your children need protection too. The right parenting plan becomes their safety net. Professional guidance helps them weather the storm. Last month, a client’s kids started thriving once we got their therapist and parenting coordinator working together.

The journey looks impossible at first. Every client who walks through my door feels that way. But you don’t have to figure this out alone. Call Port and Sava at (516) 352-2999 for a free 15 Minute Consultation. Let’s talk about your specific situation.

Remember something – divorcing a narcissist marks your first step toward freedom. Sure, it’s tough. The road gets rocky. But I’ve watched countless clients transform from victims to survivors. With the right strategy and support, you’ll break those chains and build something beautiful – a healthier future for yourself and your children.

FAQs

Q1. How can I protect myself legally when divorcing a narcissist? Build a strong legal defense by gathering crucial documentation, choosing an experienced attorney familiar with high-conflict divorces, and creating a strategic timeline for filing. Secure all important financial records and evidence of manipulative behavior before initiating proceedings.

Q2. What communication strategies work best when dealing with a narcissistic ex-spouse? Implement the gray rock method by keeping responses brief and factual, avoiding emotional engagement. Maintain written records of all interactions, and consider using court-approved messaging systems for all communications to create an unalterable record.

Q3. How can I support my children during a high-conflict divorce? Focus on providing stability and routine for your children. Work with child psychologists specializing in high-conflict divorces, maintain open but age-appropriate communication, and create a safe space for them to express emotions. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-spouse in front of the children.

Q4. What self-care practices can help maintain emotional strength during the divorce process? Engage in regular exercise, practice mindful meditation, maintain a balanced diet, and ensure adequate sleep. Seek support from a therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse, join support groups, and pursue activities that bring joy and relaxation.

Q5. How can I establish and maintain boundaries after divorcing a narcissist? Set clear communication guidelines, focusing solely on essential matters. Use written communication whenever possible and keep messages brief and factual. Consider incorporating a Parenting Coordinator or mediator to reduce conflicts, and create a comprehensive parenting plan that outlines specific responsibilities and expectations.

References

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/divorcing-a-narcissist/
https://abusewarrior.com/court/securing-emotional-support-during-a-narcissistic-divorce/
https://depthcounseling.org/blog/therapy-for-narcissistic-abuse-victims
https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-the-best-therapy-for-narcissistic-abuse
https://familylawyermagazine.com/articles/practical-advice-for-separating-digital-lives-during-divorce/
https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2018/03/10-strategies-for-dealing-with-your-narcissistic-ex
https://connectionscounselingutah.com/navigating-relationships-post-narcissistic-abuse
https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/setting-boundaries-high-conflict-co-parent

The 5 Key Points For An Illegal Immigrant Looking for a Divorce

Humza W. Arshad, Esq
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The 5 Key Points For An Illegal Immigrant Looking for a Divorce

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SUMMARY OF BLOG


Undocumented? Still Have Rights:Immigration status does not prevent someone from filing for divorce in New York—family courts do not inquire about or report immigration status.

Access to Support and Custody: Undocumented spouses can seek child custody, support, and protection from abuse, just like any other litigant in a divorce case.

Immigration-Safe Court Process: New York family courts offer a safe environment where undocumented individuals can pursue legal relief without fear of ICE involvement. BUT, these are uncertain times. Consult with an immigration lawyer first.

Introduction – An Illegal Immigrant Can Get a Divorce, and Be Divorced

An illegal immigrant looking for a divorce can get one. Similarly, a spouse can divorce an undocumented immigrant. U.S. family law allows individuals to file for divorce based on personal grounds, such as irreconcilable differences, even if they do not have legal immigration status. However, there can be challenges if the spouse is petitioning for their green card or if the immigrant is concerned about the impact of divorce on their immigration case. It is essential to seek legal advice to understand how divorce might affect immigration applications, especially if the divorce may complicate pending petitions or affect one’s ability to remain in the U.S. There are key considerations to keep in mind, especially when immigration status comes into play.

CAUTION: While the New York Courts are not cooperating with ICE, that could change. Consult with an immigration lawyer before taking any steps.

Divorce and Immigration Status: What to Consider

For an illegal immigrant looking for a divorce, the process can feel more complicated. Divorce can raise concerns about how your immigration status might be impacted. Understanding your rights and options is essential for making informed decisions and securing a stable future.

Can You File for Divorce If You’re Undocumented?

Absolutely! Your immigration status does not affect your ability to file for divorce in the United States. Divorce laws are governed by state law, not federal immigration law. As long as you meet your state’s residency requirements, you can file for divorce. For example:

  • In New York, you must live in the state for at least two years before filing, or for one year if the marriage occurred in New York or the grounds for divorce happened there.

Family courts focus on resolving domestic issues—not your immigration status. However, consulting a family law attorney with experience in immigration matters is crucial to navigating the process effectively. Generally, Family Court judges are not interested in immigration status and don’t report people to immigration.

In fact, many illegal immigrants looking for a divorce regularly use the New York Court system. However, as we discuss below, you should always have your immigration attorney in contact with your divorce attorney.

How Does Divorce Impact Immigration Status?

Whether you are an illegal immigrant looking for a divorce, or legally in this country on a visa, your immigration status could be affected by divorce, especially if your residency depends on your marriage. For instance:

  • If you have a conditional green card based on marriage, a divorce could complicate your path to permanent residency.
  • You may need to apply for a waiver to show that your marriage was genuine, even if it ended in divorce.

An experienced immigration lawyer can guide you through these complexities to help protect your status. Keep in mind, that even the best divorce attorneys generally don’t know immigration law. So, it’s important for your immigration and divorce lawyers to work together.

Can an Undocumented Immigrant Get Spousal or Child Support?

Yes! U.S. family courts prioritize fairness and the best interests of children, regardless of immigration status. As an undocumented immigrant, you can request:

  • Child custody: Decisions are based on the child’s best interests, not the parents’ immigration status.
  • Child support: Both parents are legally responsible for supporting their children financially.
  • Spousal support (alimony): If you meet your state’s requirements, you can petition for spousal maintenance.

Will Going to Court Lead to Deportation?

The number one fear for an illegal immigrant looking for a divorce, is that they will get deported. However, in most cases, attending family court for divorce, custody, or support hearings will not result in deportation. Family courts handle domestic matters and typically do not involve immigration enforcement agencies like ICE. However, it’s wise to consult with a lawyer to prepare and minimize any potential risks.

Protecting Yourself Legally During Divorce

To safeguard your rights during a divorce:

  • Work with both a family law attorney and an immigration lawyer.
  • Ensure you have the necessary documents like financial records and immigration paperwork.
  • Explore options to secure your immigration status, such as self-petitioning or applying for independent residency.

Why Choose Blodnick, Fazio & Clark for Immigration and Divorce?

At Blodnick, Fazio & Clark, we specialize in immigration law, helping undocumented immigrants navigate the divorce process. Whether you’re worried about your immigration status or need assistance securing child or spousal support, we’re here to help.

Contact Us:

“Can My Child Decide Who They Want to Live With?”

Gary Port
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“Can My Child Decide Who They Want to Live With?”

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SUMMARY OF BLOG


Child’s Preference Matters—But Isn’t Final: While New York courts consider a child’s custodial preference, it is one of many factors and not the sole deciding element.

Age and Maturity Influence Weight: The older and more mature the child, the more weight their wishes carry—especially once they reach their mid-teens. However, generally teenagers decide whom they live with.

Court Prioritizes Best Interests: Judges evaluate safety, parental fitness, and overall well-being above all, ensuring the child’s best interests guide custody decisions.

“Can My Child Decide Who They Want to Live With?” It depends on the age and maturity of the child. Also, the court will determine if the parent can provide a suitable environment. In general, a child 15 years or older will go with the parent of their choice, but there are exceptions.

In a child custody case, the judge may consider your child’s preference, but how and when depends on the situation. Courts assess the child’s age, maturity, and whether their choice aligns with their best interests.

The Best Interests of the Child

In any custody dispute, the court’s main focus is the child’s best interests. This includes various factors ensuring the custody arrangement benefits the child. The court prioritizes the child’s emotional, mental, physical, and developmental well-being over the parents’ desires or conflicts.

Factors the court considers include:

  • Stability and safety of the home.
  • Each parent’s ability to provide emotional and intellectual support.
  • Financial stability to meet the child’s needs.
  • The child’s relationship with each parent.
  • How the decision impacts the child’s relationship with the other parent.
  • Maintaining continuity in the child’s living situation.

The court also evaluates the mental and physical health of both parents and their ability to meet the child’s needs. However, the child’s preference is often one of the most emotionally charged aspects of the case.

When Does the Child’s Preference Matter?

As children mature, their opinions carry more weight in custody decisions. The older and more aware a child is, the more the court may consider their preference. Still, this is just one factor.

For children under 10, their preference is often given little weight, as they may not fully understand the consequences of their choice. In contrast, teenagers’ preferences are typically taken more seriously, assuming the court finds them mature enough.

However, no matter the child’s age, their preference is never the sole deciding factor.

Why Doesn’t the Child’s Preference Decide Custody?

It might seem logical to let a child’s preference dictate custody. But courts recognize that children can be influenced by factors that aren’t in their long-term best interest.

A child might prefer one parent due to fewer rules or more freedom, focusing on short-term comfort rather than long-term stability. Courts must assess whether the preference is based on sound reasoning or a desire for leniency.

The court also watches for signs that one parent may have influenced the child’s choice. If one parent has negatively influenced the child against the other, the preference might reflect this, not the child’s true desire.

If the court believes the child’s wishes are influenced or impulsive, it may give little weight to the preference. The goal is always to ensure the child’s best interests, even if that conflicts with the child’s expressed desires.

When the Child’s Wishes Are Respected

If the child is mature and their preference appears thoughtful, the court may take it seriously. For instance, a 15- or 16-year-old may have their preference considered if it aligns with a desire for stability or a stronger emotional connection with one parent.

In such cases, a judge might speak with the child privately to understand their reasoning. If the child’s preference aligns with what the court sees as in their best interests, it may influence the custody arrangement.

However, the rule of thumb is that a teenage is the 800 pound gorilla. As the old joke goes, Where does an 800 pound gorilla sit? Any where he wants.

But, as discussed below, that is not always an absolute.

When the Child’s Preference Is Disregarded

Sometimes, the court will disregard a child’s preference if it believes it is not in their best interests. For example, if a child prefers one parent due to leniency, but that leniency harms the child’s development, the court may rule in favor of the other parent. Similarly, if one parent manipulates the child, the court may reject the child’s choice.

In one case, a mother’s drug addiction and criminal charges led to the child living with her father. In another, a father convinced his son to live with him to avoid paying child support, but the court ordered him to report on the child’s progress. The child eventually returned to his mother.

The Role of the Attorney for the Child

To help navigate this complex process, courts often appoint an Attorney for the Child (AFC). This attorney represents the child’s wishes, not their best interests.

I have a much longer article on the AFC at this link. It must be emphasized that the AFC is not a guardian. A guardian acts in the best interests of the child. New York got rid of that system 20 years ago. The AFC must advocate for what the child wants, even if that is not a good decision. The AFC is also governed by strict rules of ethics.

In the case of the drug-addict mother mentioned earlier, the AFC, despite knowing the mother was dangerous, argued for her custody because the child wanted it. The AFC explained that they were obligated to follow the child’s wishes, regardless of the danger.

Conclusion: A Balancing Act

The court’s goal is to create a custody arrangement that serves the child’s best interests. While a child’s preference can be important, it is just one of many factors the court weighs. The final decision aims to ensure the child’s overall well-being.

If you’re facing a custody battle, remember that your child’s opinion matters, but it won’t be the only factor. Courts aim to create the best outcome for the child in the long run. For more information, contact Port and Sava for a free 15-minute consultation at (516) 352-2999.

Harassing Text Messages Are Domestic Violence

Gary Port
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Harassing Text Messages Are Domestic Violence

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Text Messages Can Be Harassment: In New York, sending repeated, threatening, or abusive text messages can be considered harassment and may form the basis for legal action.

Grounds for Orders of Protection: Victims of harassing texts can seek an Order of Protection through Family Court or Criminal Court, even without physical violence.

Document and Save All Communications: Preserving harassing messages is critical for evidence—screenshots, downloads, and backups can support your case in court.

Think Before You Text: Legal Implications of Digital Communication in Family Law

Harassing Text messages are considered domestic violence and can lead to arrest and Family Court orders of protection.

In today’s world, texting has become an indispensable part of how we communicate. It’s quick, convenient, and an almost effortless extension of our thoughts. Whether we’re sharing feelings, making plans, or venting frustrations, texting offers a direct line to those we care about. However, this convenience comes with a major downside: impulsive texting, especially during moments of anger or frustration, can have lasting consequences.

In family law, where emotions often run high, the line between harmless venting and legal repercussions can blur. This is particularly true in cases involving domestic violence or harassment, where text messages can become crucial pieces of evidence. Understanding the legal landscape surrounding digital communication is essential to avoiding potentially life-altering mistakes.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence encompasses a broad range of behaviors used to control or dominate a partner in an intimate relationship. While physical violence may be the most visible form of domestic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, and even digital harassment are equally damaging.

In recent years, courts have increasingly recognized that domestic violence is not limited to physical harm. Any behavior—whether verbal, emotional, or digital—that seeks to exert power and control over a partner can be construed as abuse. This recognition means that even something as seemingly innocuous as a text message can be scrutinized by the courts, especially in cases of family law. So, to be clear harassing text messages is domestic violence.

Harassing Text Messages and the NY Penal Laws

Under New York law, harassment can take many forms, including physical contact, threats, and digital communication such as text messages. New York Penal Law § 240.26 defines harassment in the second degree as any act intended to annoy, harass, or alarm another person. This includes threats or repeated communication that has no legitimate purpose.

When it comes to text messages, what you type in the heat of the moment may easily fall under this legal definition of harassment. Even something as seemingly harmless as an impulsive “I hate you” or a more aggressive “I’m going to hurt you” can be seen as a credible threat or attempt to harass.

For instance, New York Penal Law § 240.30 addresses aggravated harassment, making it a crime to send a communication via phone, text, or email with the intent to harass, threaten, or alarm another person. If the content of your text message includes threats of harm, or is sent repeatedly in a manner that causes emotional distress, you could face misdemeanor or even felony charges.

A victim can press charges for harassment over text messages. A person can get arrested for sending a text message. The victim can also go to Family Court and get an order of protection. Or do both. Orders of protection can prevent the harasser from having contact with the victim. Here’s a blog on orders of protection.

Let’s break that down a little. First, what is harassing text messages is both situational and in the eye of the beholder. For example, if you text “bitch” that may or may not be harassing depending on the context. But, texting “bitch” a hundred times in a day is harassing.

On the other hand, sending “bitch, I’m gonna blow your brains out” or “die, bitch, die” are harassing text messages by anyone’s standards.

The law is clear: texting in anger can have serious legal consequences. The moment your words become a written record, they can be used against you in court, and this is especially true in the realm of family law.

Harassing Text Messages as Permanent Evidence

One critical aspect that many people overlook is the distinction between spoken words and text messages. When you say something in anger, it may be forgotten or dismissed as an emotional outburst. But when you commit those same words to text, they become a permanent record.

In family law disputes, especially in cases involving domestic violence or child custody, text messages are often presented as evidence to support claims of harassment, threats, or abuse. Family courts frequently rely on this type of digital communication to assess the dynamics of a relationship and the character of the individuals involved.

As a family court lawyer, I’ve seen countless cases where text messages played a pivotal role in the outcome of a case. Once a message is sent, it can be saved, screenshotted, and presented as evidence to a judge. That impulsive text you sent in a moment of frustration may be read aloud in court, and once it’s in the hands of the legal system, the context in which it was sent might not matter as much as you think.

I know some bright character is going think “I’ll just delete those harassing text messages.” You might be able to delete them from your phone but not from your ex’s. Also, there are ways to restore the messages and while the phone company doesn’t keep track of the actual message, they do record that a message was sent and it’s length.

Real-World Consequences

Let’s consider a real-life scenario. In a case I recently handled, a husband and wife were going through a contentious divorce. One night, after an argument, the husband sent a text message admitting that he had physically assaulted his wife, along with a hasty apology. This text message became a key piece of evidence in court and made it nearly impossible for the husband to deny his actions. His admission, captured in writing, solidified the case against him and had lasting ramifications in both criminal court and family court. While he deleted it from his phone, it was still on hers.

This example illustrates a crucial point: even if you regret what you’ve done or said, a text message that admits wrongdoing is a form of written evidence that can drastically alter the course of legal proceedings. When your text messages are reviewed in the context of a family law dispute, the stakes can be incredibly high, and your words can carry consequences you never anticipated.

Protect Yourself: Think Before You Text

The legal repercussions of impulsive texting are clear: what you say in a text can and will be used against you in a court of law. This is especially true in cases involving domestic violence, harassment, or custody disputes. As tempting as it may be to fire off a message in the heat of the moment, it’s essential to pause and consider the potential consequences.

Before you hit send, ask yourself: “Would I be okay with this message being read in a courtroom?” If the answer is no, don’t send it. The best way to avoid incriminating yourself or escalating a family law dispute is to refrain from sending any message that could be construed as a threat, admission of guilt, or harassment.

If you find yourself facing legal trouble because of a text message or any other form of digital communication, it’s crucial to seek legal guidance immediately. At Port and Sava, we specialize in family law and can help you navigate the complex legal system. Whether you need assistance in defending against harassment claims or are concerned about how your digital communications may impact your case, we are here to offer support and legal advice.

Conclusion: Be Thoughtful in Your Digital Communications

Texting may be a quick and easy way to communicate, but it’s important to remember that every message you send can have far-reaching legal implications. In the context of family law and domestic violence, digital communication is often scrutinized as evidence of abuse, harassment, or threats.

To protect yourself, always think before you text. Avoid sending messages in anger or frustration, and remember that anything you say in writing can come back to haunt you in court. If you need legal advice or assistance, contact Port and Sava—we’re here to help you make informed decisions about your digital communications and safeguard your legal rights. We offer a free 15 minute telephone consultation (516) 352-2999.

Thoughtful communication can save you from a world of legal trouble. So, take a breath, think twice, and protect yourself from unnecessary complications by choosing your words carefully.

Frequently Asked Questions: Harassing Text Messages and New York Law

1. Can text messages really be considered harassment under New York law?

Yes. Repeated, threatening, abusive, or alarming text messages can constitute harassment, aggravated harassment, or stalking—even without physical violence.

2. What should I do if someone keeps sending me harassing text messages?

Save everything. Take screenshots, back up your phone, and print out the messages if possible. Then, consider filing for an Order of Protection in Family Court or reporting the harassment to the police.

3. Do I need a police report to seek an Order of Protection for harassment?

No. You can file a petition directly in Family Court without involving the police. However, if the harassment is severe or threatening, police involvement can strengthen your case.

4. How many texts are considered harassment?

There is no set number. A single threatening or abusive text could be enough, but patterns of behavior—such as repeated unwanted messages over time—typically strengthen a harassment claim.

5. What if the person harassing me is the parent of my child?

If co-parenting communication crosses into harassment, you can seek a Family Court Order of Protection that still allows necessary, safe communication about the child—sometimes through monitored or limited methods.

6. Can the court order the person to stop texting me?

Yes. An Order of Protection can include provisions requiring the harasser to cease all electronic communication, including text messages, emails, and social media contact.

7. What happens if the person continues to send messages after a court order?

Violating an Order of Protection is a criminal offense. The police can arrest the violator, and they may face criminal charges and additional penalties.

8. Should I respond to harassing texts to tell them to stop?

It’s usually better not to engage. Save the messages but avoid responding, as replies can sometimes escalate the situation or complicate legal claims.

Punching a Wall is Domestic Violence

Gary Port
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Punching a Wall is Domestic Violence

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Punching Walls Can Be Domestic Violence: In New York, violent, intimidating acts like punching walls or breaking objects can be considered domestic violence even without direct physical harm.

Courts Focus on Threatening Behavior: Domestic violence includes acts that create fear, intimidation, or emotional harm—not just physical injuries—impacting custody and Orders of Protection.

Document and Report Intimidating Incidents: Victims should carefully document property damage, threats, and emotional abuse to support their case in court.

Introduction

Domestic violence is often thought of in terms of physical abuse between partners, but the law encompasses a broader scope that many may not be aware of. Understanding these legal definitions is crucial to recognizing and preventing all forms of domestic violence. Let’s be clear, punching a wall can lead to an arrest and the court issuing an order of protection.

Domestic Violence: Aggressive Actions Aren’t Limited to People

This blog addresses domestic violence, but not in the way you might traditionally think about it. Instead, we’ll discuss domestic violence under the law, particularly how it pertains to the destruction of property in your own home.

Domestic Violence against objects is still Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Extended to Property Damage

There are instances where people, often men, become enraged at their spouse or girlfriend. They know that striking their partner will result in serious legal consequences, so instead, they decide to take their anger out on inanimate objects. A man might turn around and punch the wall, thinking that by not hitting his partner, he’s avoiding criminal repercussions. However, this assumption is incorrect.

Several years ago, the law changed to classify the destruction of property within your home as domestic violence. This means that if you break your own property out of anger, you’ve committed a felony under New York law. This is enforceable in both criminal and family courts.

For example, if you get angry and punch a hole in the wall or break a door or TV, these actions are considered domestic violence. The law treats breaking anything in the house as an offense, even though it’s your own property.

Whether you agree with it or not, the law recognizes this type of behavior as domestic abuse. Here’s a great non-legal article explaining the human costs of this type of abuse. https://createsoulspace.medium.com/punching-holes-in-walls-is-domestic-violence-da7edb234d02

So you may think that by not hitting your partner you are doing the right thing—which indeed you are. But redirecting that anger towards objects in your home can still land you in serious legal trouble. The safest and best approach is to refrain from hitting anything—be it your partner or the wall.

If you break a wall or an object and your partner calls the police in New York, they will arrest you. This behavior is a felony. Under the law of criminal mischief, if you break property belonging to another, it is a crime.

The common complaint I hear is that “But, I own that television, and I can break it if I want.” Unfortunately, the law changed several years ago. Now, the law defines property of another this way: “‘Property of another’ shall include all property in which another
person has an ownership interest, whether or not a person who damages
such property, or any other person, may also have an interest in such
property.”

What this means, is if you rent, and punch the wall you have damaged the property of another: the landlord. If you are married then all property bought during marriage is marital. So, that TV? Well, your wife is a part owner.

I know someone will try to be cute and say, “Hey, my girlfriend moved in with me, and everything is mine. So, I can break whatever I want, and not get into trouble.” Well, not exactly, because you will run afoul of other laws, harassment and menacing.

Your wife or partner can have you arrested, go to Family Court to get an order of protection or do both. Here’s an article about Orders of Protection.

The recommended course of action? Walk away. Take your anger outside, go for a walk, and leave the situation. This not only prevents any form of violence but also keeps you on the right side of the law.

Need Help? Reach Out

If you have questions about this specific issue or any other aspect of domestic violence, don’t hesitate to contact us at Port and Sava. We are here to help you navigate these complicated situations and move forward with your life. Call us at (516) 352-2999 for a free 15 minute telephone consultation.

Remember, avoiding physical confrontation entirely—whether with people or objects—is the best way to stay within the law and protect the well-being of everyone involved.

Frequently Asked Questions: Punching a Wall and Domestic Violence in New York

1. Is punching a wall considered domestic violence?

Yes. In New York, punching a wall, breaking objects, or destroying property during a domestic dispute can be classified as domestic violence, especially if it is done to intimidate, threaten, or frighten another person.

2. Do I have to be physically hit for it to be domestic violence?

No. Domestic violence includes acts that cause emotional harm, fear, or psychological intimidation, even if no physical contact occurs.

3. Can I get an Order of Protection if my partner punched a wall but didn’t touch me?

Yes. If you feel threatened, intimidated, or unsafe, you can request an Order of Protection based on acts of destruction, threats, or emotional abuse.

4. How should I document incidents like wall-punching or property destruction?

Take photographs of the damage, write down exactly what happened (including date, time, and any witnesses), and save any communications related to the incident (texts, voicemails, emails).

5. What if my partner says they were just angry and didn’t mean to scare me?

Intent matters less than the impact on you. If their behavior caused you to fear for your safety, the court will take it seriously when considering custody, visitation, or protective orders.

6. Will the court consider wall-punching when deciding child custody?

Yes. Acts of violence—even against property—can be viewed as evidence of a volatile or unsafe environment, which the court must consider when making custody decisions.

7. Do I have to call the police if someone punches a wall during an argument?

You are not required to call the police, but doing so can create an official record of the incident, which may strengthen your case if you later seek an Order of Protection or file for custody.

Parental Alienation: 5 Critical Considerations

Gary Port
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Parental Alienation: 5 Critical Considerations

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How Parental Alienation Impacts Child Custody Cases

Parental alienation harms the children. It can also be used as a factor in both child custody decisions and in whether child support should be suspended. When parental alienation occurs in a divorce it will make the divorce dramatically more expensive. It is not uncommon for the cost to exceed $100,000. It also lengthens the divorce process.

At its core, parental alienation involves one parent turning their child against the other parent, without justified cause, leading to significant emotional distress and instability in the child’s life. This manipulation not only strains the parent-child relationship but also complicates child support and custody proceedings, making it a critical issue for both families and legal professionals to address.

How Courts Identify Parental Alienation

Signs and Evidence Considered

When assessing potential cases of parental alienation, courts meticulously examine a variety of signs and evidence. Key indicators include the child’s unjustified rejection of the targeted parent, which may manifest as unreasonably negative beliefs and feelings that are disproportionate to their actual experiences with that parent. Behavioral patterns such as the child’s irrational criticism and refusal to see a loving parent are scrutinized.

Keep in mind, while this is your first custodial battle, the court see these type of case many times, a week. In custody cases we see that same facts repeated over and over again. The Judges quickly become familiar with custody fact patterns and many become very adapt and getting to the heart of the matter.

Also, keep in mind, that the Judge are not concerned with your hurt feelings. Issues of infidelity or even domestic violence, unless directed to the children, do not enter into the judge’s considerations.

What the Judges do consider is:

Physical evidence, including social media posts and text messages where the alienating parent disparages the other, is also crucial. This type of evidence helps to establish a pattern of behavior that supports claims of alienation.

Professional Testimonies and Evaluations About Parental Alienation

Professional testimonies play a pivotal role in court decisions regarding parental alienation. Mental health professionals, such as psychologists or therapists, may provide insights into the child’s mental state and the dynamics within the family. They assess whether the child’s aversion to the targeted parent is a result of manipulation or genuine estrangement.

The courts may appoint a psychologist or psychiatrist to examine the children, the parents, and other people who have contact with the children. This is called a “forensic report” and can cost upwards of $45,000 to produce. The parties will pay for this, not the court. It also takes several months.

Evaluators look for:

  • Consistency in the child’s negative views about the targeted parent across different settings and sources
  • The influence of the alienating parent on the child’s perceptions, which may involve detailed evaluations of the parent-child interactions

Courts also rely on testimonies from school teachers, family members, and other individuals who have observed the family’s dynamics. These observations help to corroborate or refute claims of alienation.

The Judge is not allowed to blindly accept the findings of the forensic evaluator, but can take it into consideration when coming to its conclusion. A person is still entitled to go to trial even if the forensic report goes against them. The forensic evaluator will be called to testify, and be subject to cross-examination.

In high-conflict custody cases, it is essential for evaluators to conduct thorough investigations to ensure that any allegations of parental alienation are well-substantiated. This includes tracking down the origins of the child’s beliefs and verifying their accuracy . Failure to conduct a detailed investigation can lead to the perpetuation of false allegations, which can significantly impact the family’s well-being and the child’s relationship with both parents.

By integrating these professional evaluations and testimonies with the observed signs and documented evidence, courts can make more informed decisions that prioritize the child’s best interests while addressing the complex issue of parental alienation.

The Attorney for the Child (AFC) and Parental Alienation

In a New York custody battle, the court will often appoint an attorney for the child, called appropriately enough, the Attorney for the Child (AFC). New York used to call them “Law Guardians” and other states call them “Guardians ad litem.”

New York calls them AFCs to highlight that they are attorneys who represent the interests of the children. Here’s a link to an article I wrote on the AFC and its unique role in the custodial process.

The parties will pay the cost for this attorney. I want to highlight here the cost of a cost custody battle. Beyond the damage parental alienation does to your child, it will destroy your finances. You will pay your lawyer tens of thousands of dollars, pay the forensic examiner tens of thousands of dollars, and pay the AFC tens of thousands of dollars. This is on top of the tens of thousands of dollars to pay for your child’s therapy caused by the alienation.

My question is: do you really have hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend just to keep your ex away from the children? It the severe psychological damage to your child worth it? And as I discuss below, there is the rebound effect. Many children come to hate the alienator and cut off all ties to them. So, you could end up losing your children as well.

When you encounter parental alienation in child custody cases, the legal outcomes can vary significantly, often depending on how well the alienation is documented and proven in court. Here are some of the potential legal ramifications:

Custody Loss

In some cases, allegations of parental alienation have profound impacts on custody decisions. A study funded by the U.S. Justice Department in 2020 revealed that when mothers allege abuse and fathers counterclaim with accusations of parental alienation, it roughly doubles the chances of the mother losing custody. This outcome underscores the critical nature of how parental alienation claims are perceived and handled in the courtroom. Additionally, another study indicated that judges might award custody to an abusive parent if the mother is not viewed as credible, often influenced by claims of psychological instability or parental alienation

Supervised Visitation

Courts are increasingly recognizing the need to protect children from the potentially harmful effects of parental alienation. If one parent can demonstrate that the other parent is engaging in behavior that alienates the child, the court may decide to limit that parent’s contact with the child. This could range from reduced visitation rights to supervised visitation scenarios. The primary aim is to safeguard the child’s well-being while maintaining their right to have relationships with both parents, albeit in a controlled environment that monitors and prevents further alienation.

In more severe cases, evidence of parental alienation might lead to the alienated parent receiving full custody, especially if the alienating behavior is blatant and demonstrably harmful to the child’s mental and emotional health. Courts take these decisions very seriously, often requiring substantial evidence and professional testimonies to ensure that the child’s best interests are being served.

Understanding these potential legal outcomes is crucial for any parent involved in a custody dispute where parental alienation is suspected. It’s essential to gather comprehensive evidence and possibly seek professional legal and psychological support to navigate these complex situations effectively.

Loss of Child Support

The Court can also suspend or terminate child support if it finds that the custodial parent has engaged in alienation.

The courts can do this to make it clear to the alienating parent that there are consequences. Often when the child support is cut off, the alienator suddenly becomes cooperative.

Role of Family Law in Addressing Parental Alienation

Laws and Regulations

Family law plays a pivotal role in addressing the complexities of parental alienation, a situation where one parent may deliberately undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent. This can have severe emotional and psychological effects on the child. Currently, there is no specific law that directly addresses parental alienation, which presents challenges in legal proceedings. However, family courts often consider the child’s behavior and the dynamics between the parent and child as evidence of parental alienation. In such cases, a judge might order a custody evaluation to further investigate the claims

When one parent is found to be obstructing the child’s relationship with the other parent, it can significantly impact their custody case. Courts typically examine whether a parent supports the child’s relationship with the other parent as a critical factor in determining custody arrangements . This scrutiny is part of a broader effort to protect the child’s welfare and ensure that both parents have an opportunity to maintain a healthy relationship with their child, barring any legitimate safety concerns.

Supporting the Child’s Best Interests

Psychological Support

Parental alienation is identified as a form of emotional child abuse with serious implications for the affected children. The emotional toll includes an impaired ability to form and maintain relationships, a diminished self-image, and the potential development of guilt, anxiety, and depression. These children often struggle with educational disruptions and may exhibit a lack of impulse control, which can escalate to delinquent behavior.

To address these issues, family therapists and mental health professionals recommend a treatment approach that involves both the child and the targeted parent. This method, known as “parent-child relational problem” therapy, is crucial for repairing and maintaining the parent-child relationship. It is also essential that the alienating parent undergo therapy to cease their detrimental behavior.

In severe cases, courts may mandate specific therapies aimed at reuniting the child with the alienated parent, underscoring the legal system’s role in facilitating these critical reunifications . Compliance with these therapeutic interventions is not only a legal obligation but also a moral imperative to restore the child’s well-being.

The legal framework surrounding parental alienation aims to protect the child’s best interests while ensuring justice for the alienated parent. Recognizing the severe impact of parental alienation, some jurisdictions treat extreme cases as criminal behavior due to the significant emotional damage inflicted on the child.

Legal interventions often include modifying custody arrangements to ensure the child has substantial and positive contact with the alienated parent. This strategy helps mitigate the effects of the alienating parent’s behavior. In instances where the alienation is profound, the court may limit the alienating parent’s access to the child, requiring supervised visitation to monitor and prevent further damaging actions.

Furthermore, family law courts are encouraged to adopt non-adversarial dispute resolutions, such as structured family mediation, to address parental conflicts more effectively. This approach not only aids in reducing the emotional strain on all parties involved but also promotes a more amicable resolution that prioritizes the child’s needs.

By implementing these psychological supports and legal safeguards, the aim is to shield children from the adverse effects of parental alienation and ensure their ability to thrive in a stable and loving environment.

The Rebound Effect

The Alienating Parent will often become victim to the “rebound effect.” This is where the child turns against the alienator. It is a very common phenomenon.

Basically, the child comes to resent the alienator and forms a close relationship with the previously alienated parent. I have seen this many times, and in the most severe instances, the child cuts off all communication with the alienating parent.

Conclusion

When parental alienation occurs, there are no winners. It leads to psychological damage to the children, insanely high legal costs and psychological damage to the parties.

The courts try very hard to be fair but as the facts get messy and murky, the lines get blurred and the results less certain.

It remains evident that tackling parental alienation requires a nuanced approach, combining legal intervention with psychological support. For families navigating these challenges, seeking professional advice becomes crucial to understanding the implications of parental alienation on child custody and the necessary steps to mitigate its effects. For personalized guidance tailored to your unique situation, call Port and Sava tel:516-352-2999 for a free 15-minute telephone consultation. Equipping yourself with the right information and support can pave the way toward resolving these disputes in a manner that honors the child’s needs and the family’s integrity, steering towards a resolution that fosters healing and positive familial bonds.

FAQs

1. Can parental alienation lead to a loss of custody?Yes, parental alienation can result in a loss of custody. This occurs when one parent damages the child’s relationship with the other parent, demonstrating an inability to co-parent effectively. Engaging in such behavior can lead to the revocation of custody rights.

2. What is the typical judicial response to parental alienation in custody cases?Judges generally view parental alienation very seriously as it goes against the child’s best interests. Most judges respond negatively to any actions that reflect parental alienation.

3. What are the effects of parental alienation on a child? Parental alienation can cause significant emotional distress for children. It often leads to emotional issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

4. How can one demonstrate proof of narcissistic parental alienation in court?To prove narcissistic parental alienation, you might use several types of evidence, including:

  • Testimony from therapists or counselors who can provide insights based on their professional observations of the child.
  • Accounts from witnesses who have observed the alienation.
  • Relevant social media posts.
  • Documented communications such as text messages, emails, and voicemails.

8 Powerful Reasons To Consider A Prenuptial Agreement or A Post-Nuptial Agreement

Gary Port
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8 Powerful Reasons To Consider A Prenuptial Agreement or A Post-Nuptial Agreement

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  • Prenuptial Agreements Provide Clarity: A prenuptial agreement defines each party’s financial rights and responsibilities before marriage, protecting assets and avoiding future disputes.
  • Enforceable Only If Properly Drafted: For a prenup to be enforceable in New York, it must be fair, fully disclosed, voluntarily signed, and properly executed according to legal standards.
  • Not Just for the Wealthy: Prenuptial agreements are useful for anyone entering marriage with property, debt, businesses, or children from a prior relationship to protect.
A brief overview of prenuptial agreements and postnuptial agreements.

A Prenuptial Agreement is an agreement that determine before the marriage, how property will be divided on divorce. It allows parties to protect premarital and separate property from accidentally being converted to marital property. It allows parties to determine if marital property should be considered separate property.

What is A Prenuptial Agreement or Post-Nuptial Agreement?

The prenup legal document that is signed before or after a couple’s wedding. The postnuptial agreement can be signed at any time during the marriage. Both documents are essentially the same, only the name changes depending on whether it was signed before or during the marriage.

The agreement outlines the rights, responsibilities, and obligations of each partner in the event of a separation or divorce. This agreement can be tailored to meet the needs of the couple and can include any financial arrangements that they wish to include. It is important to note that prenuptial or post-nuptial agreements are not the same as a marriage contract. A marriage contract is a document that outlines the rights and obligations of each partner in the event of the death of one partner.

Why New York Couples Should Consider A Prenuptial Agreement or Post-Nuptial Agreement?

On of these agreements is a wise decision for couples in New York. This type of agreement can provide couples with the peace of mind that their assets and finances are protected in the event of a divorce or separation. Additionally, it can help couples to avoid costly and time-consuming court battles over property and assets. Furthermore, a prenuptial or post-nuptial agreement can help to ensure that any money earned during the marriage is divided in a fair and equitable manner.

There are numerous stories in the media of celebrities who didn’t get a prenuptial agreement and lived to regret it. https://www.buzzfeed.com/alexgurley/celebrities-who-didnt-sign-prenups That’s because high-value individuals or people with their own businesses have more to consider if there is a divorce.

What is Included?

The specifics of what is included in an agreement will depend on the couple’s individual needs and wishes. Generally speaking, it will outline the division of property and assets in the event of a separation or divorce. This can include both marital and separate property, as well as any retirement accounts, investments, and other financial assets. Additionally, the agreement can include provisions for alimony, child support, and other financial arrangements.

It can also include provisions regarding post-divorce spousal support (alimony). Here’s an article on how post-divorce spousal support is calculated. https://nydivorcefacts.com/post-divorce-maintenance-divorces-filed-january-25-2016/

However, with a well-drafted contract, the parties can modify the law or waive maintenance entirely.

What are the Benefits?

It can provide couples with a number of benefits. These agreements can help couples to protect their assets and finances in the event of a divorce or separation. Additionally, these agreements can provide couples with the peace of mind that their financial and property interests will be taken care of in the event of a break-up. Furthermore, having a prenuptial or post-nuptial agreement can help to avoid costly and time-consuming court battles over property and assets.

What to Consider When Drafting

When drafting this type of contract, there are a few things that couples should consider. First, couples should make sure that the agreement is fair and equitable. This means that the agreement should take into consideration the needs and interests of both partners. Furthermore, it is important for couples to make sure that the agreement is legally binding and enforceable.

Courts are more likely to enforce an agreement when both parties have been represented by lawyers. The courts will give a very close look at an agreement where the person who walked away with most of the assets had the only lawyer.

Lastly, couples should make sure that the agreement is properly executed and notarized.

What to Avoid

Here are some pitfalls to avoid: First, couples should avoid including any provisions that are overly restrictive or punitive. Additionally, couples should avoid making any promises or agreements that are not legally binding. Finally, couples should avoid making any changes to the agreement without consulting an attorney.

Any provision regarding children will generally not be enforced by the court.

What Are the Different Types Agreements?

In New York, there are a number of different types of agreements. These agreements can be tailored to meet the specific needs and wishes of the couple. Generally speaking, they can include provisions for the division of assets support as mentioned above, and other financial arrangements. It can also address how to avoid turning separation property into marital property. This is called “co-mingling.”

For example, say you got a personal injury property settlement or an inheritance. That money is separate property. However, if you put it in a joint bank account with your spouse, you have turned it into marital property. A well drafted agreement will solve this problem.

Are They Enforceable in New York?

Yes, these are are generally considered to be legally binding and enforceable. However, it is important to note that there are certain requirements that must be met in order for an agreement to be considered valid and enforceable. These requirements include that both partners must have entered into the agreement voluntarily, that both partners must have disclosed all of their assets and liabilities, and that the agreement must be properly notarized. A regular notarized signature is not good enough. The document has to be notarized with the same formality as used to transfer a deed.

To be enforceable, the agreement must be both reasonable at the time it was signed and reasonable at the time of the divorce.

Call Port and Sava for a Free 15 Minute Telephone Consultation

If you have any questions on prenuptial or postnuptial agreements, call Port and Sava at (516) 352-2999 for a free telephone consultation.

Frequently Asked Questions: Prenuptial Agreements in New York

1. What is a prenuptial agreement?

A prenuptial agreement (or “prenup”) is a legal contract entered into before marriage that outlines how assets, debts, income, and property will be handled during the marriage and in the event of divorce or death.

2. Do only wealthy people need prenuptial agreements?

No. While wealthy individuals often use prenups, they are also valuable for anyone who has property, a business, significant debts, future inheritances, or children from a prior relationship to protect.

3. Are prenuptial agreements enforceable in New York?

Yes—but only if certain conditions are met. To be enforceable, a prenup must be entered into voluntarily, with full financial disclosure, without coercion, and it must be properly executed (signed and notarized).

4. What can a prenuptial agreement cover?

Prenups can address:

  • Division of property and debts
  • Spousal support (alimony) terms
  • Business interests
  • Rights to future inheritances
  • Ownership of retirement accounts However, they cannot predetermine issues of child custody or child support.

5. Can a prenuptial agreement be challenged or overturned?

Yes. A prenup can be challenged if it was signed under duress, involved fraud or misrepresentation, lacked full financial disclosure, or was unconscionably unfair at the time of signing.

6. Can we modify or revoke a prenuptial agreement after marriage?

Yes. Spouses can modify or revoke a prenup after marriage through a written, signed, and notarized agreement, often called a postnuptial agreement.

7. How soon before the wedding should a prenup be signed?

Ideally, a prenup should be signed well before the wedding—weeks or months in advance—to avoid claims of coercion or undue pressure.

8. Should each party have their own attorney when drafting a prenup?

Absolutely. To ensure fairness and avoid future challenges, both parties should have independent legal counsel to review and advise on the agreement.

9. What happens if we don’t have a prenup?

Without a prenup, New York’s equitable distribution laws will govern the division of assets and debts in the event of divorce, which may not align with either party’s expectations.

2 Important Facts of Parental Gatekeeping: Deplorable and Dangerous

Gary Port
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2 Important Facts of Parental Gatekeeping: Deplorable and Dangerous

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Parental Gatekeeping Influences Custody Outcomes: In New York, a parent’s behavior in encouraging or interfering with the child’s relationship with the other parent is a critical factor in custody decisions.

Positive vs. Negative Gatekeeping Matters: Courts distinguish between protective gatekeeping, done for legitimate concerns, and restrictive gatekeeping that unjustifiably damages the parent-child bond.

Best Interests of the Child Remain the Priority: Excessive or unjustified gatekeeping can backfire, leading courts to award custody to the more cooperative parent who supports the child’s relationship with both parents.

Parental Gatekeeping: How It Impacts Child Custody

Parental Gatekeeping can cause the gatekeeping parent to lose custody, and sometimes even parental access. It is also destructive to your child. A “gatekeeper parent” is term which describes a parent’s efforts to control the other parent’s access to their children, potentially leading to conflicts and legal battles. At its core, parental gatekeeping affects not just the parents involved but, most importantly, the well-being of the children caught in between.

This article is drawn from my personal experience as a Divorce/Family Law attorney, as well as the case law on the topic. I will be identifying characteristics of a restrictive gatekeeper parent to explore the legal and psychological landscapes surrounding this issue. We will discuss strategies for addressing and mitigating gatekeeping behaviors, ensuring they do not escalate into parental alienation. By gaining insight into what parental gatekeeping involves, you can better navigate the challenges it presents in child custody situations, ultimately fostering a healthier environment for your children.

For some general rules on custody cases and parental rights, see this article: https://nydivorcefacts.com/child-custody/

Parental Gatekeeping

Understanding Parental Gatekeeping

Definition and General Understanding

Parental gatekeeping is where the custodial parent restricts or even blocks access between the non-custodial parent and the child.

It can appear in many forms, ranging from protective, where actions are taken to shield the child from real harm, to restrictive, which may involve limiting contact based on perceived or manufactured threats

Frequently the gatekeeper parent, the custodial parent, will limit or deny access claiming that the child is either in danger by the non-custodial parent, or that the child doesn’t want to be with the parent. This also brings up the topic of Parental Alienation. Since this is a huge topic by itself, while we will touch on it, I will devote another article just on that topic.

Understanding what is gatekeeping is crucial, as it significantly influences the dynamics of co-parenting and the emotional and psychological well-being of the child involved.

In legal and psychological terms, a gatekeeping parent doesn’t just do one action, but a host of them.

There are two types of gatekeeping, positive and negative. “Facilitative gatekeeping” is where one parent actively supports the other’s relationship with the child. This is good and we really won’t talk about it

Then there is “restrictive gatekeeping” which might involve undermining or obstructing this relationship.

“Protective gatekeeping” is a subset where the restrictions are based on legitimate concerns about the child’s safety or well-being, often justified in cases of abuse or neglect.

But, a protective gatekeeper can run afoul of the law, if they take actions without court approval. This is called “self-help” and judges generally do not approve of that. If there is a legitimate concern for the safety of your child go to court and address those concerns with the judge. Do not decided the violate the court visitation order by yourself.

Social and Psychological Context of Parental Gatekeeping

The impact of gatekeeping can influence the child’s attitude towards the noncustodial parent, potentially leading to parental alienation — a situation where the child aligns with one parent against the other without justifiable reason.

A gatekeeping parent can damage their child psychologically. The effects can be deep, affecting the child’s emotional security and development. Younger children, in particular, are more susceptible to the influence these behaviors due to their developmental stage and inability to articulate their feelings or understand the complexities of adult relationships.

These behaviors are often intensified during stressful transitions such as separation or divorce, where emotions can cloud judgment, leading to actions that might not reflect the best interests of the child.

I often see it as “I hate my spouse, therefore my child hates my spouse as well.” Many times I have seen a custodial parent tell a judge that their child doesn’t want to see the other parent, only for the judge to say, “But, your child is only one year old.” This may sound like a joke, but it isn’t and frequently happens.

During the divorce or custody battle, it’s essential for parents to remain aware of how their actions might be perceived and the potential long-term effects on their children.

Professionals, including psychologists and legal experts, stress the importance of maintaining a balanced approach to gatekeeping.

Encouraging open communication and cooperation between parents can reduce negative impacts and support a healthier adjustment for the child.

In cases where concerns about safety or well-being are genuine, professional intervention might be necessary to ensure that gatekeeping actions are justifiable and in the child’s best interests. Consult with your lawyer first, before restricting access. When you restrict access without court approval you may appear to the problem and not the other parent.

Identifying Characteristics of Parental Gatekeeping

Parental gatekeeping shows up in a variety of actions and attitudes that influence the child’s relationship with the non-custodial parent.

In understanding how this works, it is crucial to recognize the behavioral patterns that emerge in both married and divorced couples, as well as the impact these behaviors have on the non-gatekeeping parent and the children involved.

Behavioral Patterns in Married and Divorced Couples

Research indicates that about 20% of mothers exhibit restrictive gatekeeping behaviors even in intact families, with these actions intensifying post-separation or divorce.

This often results from one parent perceiving themselves as the primary caregiver, thus feeling justified in limiting the other’s involvement due to concerns over their parenting abilities or out of spite post-divorce.

I have often seen mothers try to assert greater rights to the children, only to be admonished by the judge. “But, I’m the mother,” will generally get a judge to say “And he’s the father.”

Fathers, on the other hand, might face challenges in adapting to solo parenting, which can be perceived by mothers as incompetence, further fueling restrictive behaviors. These dynamics can lead to a vicious cycle of conflict and alienation, affecting the overall family structure.

Many fathers also accept the false idea that the mother has superior rights and will bow to her wishes and desires, rather than standing up to her.

Impact on Non-Gatekeeping Parents and Children

The non-gatekeeping parent often experiences significant emotional and psychological distress due to restricted access and involvement with their child.

This situation is heightened when the gatekeeping is baseless and intended to alienate the parent from the child.

Children, in turn, are at risk of developing emotional and psychological issues due to the lack of balanced parental involvement and exposure to conflict.

Studies have shown that children benefit from the social capital provided by having active relationships with both parents, which includes emotional support and guidance from extended family and community members as well.

In cases where the gatekeeping is justified, and, when restrictions are imposed without valid reasons, it not only harms the child’s relationship with one parent but can also contribute to long-term adjustment problems. Thus, distinguishing between protective and alienating gatekeeping is essential for safeguarding the child’s well-being and ensuring their healthy development in the face of parental separation or divorce.

Again, if you believe that restriction is necessary, talk to a lawyer first, before taking restrictive measures.

In the realm of family law, parental gatekeeping often intertwines with legal judgments, particularly in cases involving custody disputes.

For example, the Appellate Division, First Department of the Supreme Court of New York State, overturned a decision where custody was initially awarded to a father, despite allegations of alienating behaviors by the mother.

The court emphasized that child custody decisions must be tailored to the specific circumstances of each case, rejecting a blanket rule that custody should automatically change hands when one parent influences the child against the other.

This case highlights the nuanced approach needed in legal settings to address the complexities of parental gatekeeping and alienation.

However, it also underscores that a gatekeeper parent can lose custody.

Mental Health Perspectives and Debates

This next section is a bit more detailed on the psychological dimensions. (Click here for a deeper dive.) It comes from the reported testimony of Dr. Rodrigo Pizzaro. He is an outstanding Psychiatrist who is often used by the courts to conduct forensic examinations. He’s been appointed in several of my cases, and he is one of the most brilliant psychiatrists I’ve dealt with.

The concept of parental alienation remains contentious within mental health circles. Researchers like Fidler and Bala (2020) argue that the term ‘parental alienation’ is problematic due to its vague definition and the lack of reliable assessment tools.

They suggest alternative terms such as “parent-child contact problems” (PCCPs) and “resist-refuse dynamics” to describe situations where children resist contact with a parent.

These terms acknowledge that children’s reluctance can stem from multiple factors, including poor parenting or conflict between parents, rather than solely the influence of one parent.

Moreover, mental health professionals emphasize the importance of considering a multifactorial model when evaluating cases of alleged parental alienation.

This model accounts for various elements such as the child’s relationship with both parents, the parents’ communication styles, and any history of conflict or abuse. Understanding these factors is crucial for developing interventions that aim to preserve the child’s welfare and maintain healthy relationships with both parents when possible.

Addressing and Mitigating Gatekeeping

  1. Understand the Legal Framework: Consult with a Family Law attorney. Don’t trust the internet (yes, even this article), forums, Reddit, Youtube, etc. Only a lawyer is ethically obligated to provide you with accurate information.
  2. Document and Report Violations: Maintain accurate records of any violations of court orders related to custody and visitation. This documentation can be crucial in legal proceedings, especially when dealing with a gatekeeper who disregards court mandates. I always recommend keeping a diary or calendar of events and issues.
  3. Seek Professional Legal Advice: Engage with family law attorneys who emphasize integrity and honesty. These professionals can guide you through the process of addressing gatekeeping issues without resorting to retaliatory tactics that could jeopardize your case.
  4. Promote Positive Co-parenting: Encourage open communication and cooperation between parents. This can help mitigate the effects of restrictive gatekeeping and support a healthier adjustment for the child involved.
  5. Prepare for Court Interventions: Be ready to take your case to a hearing or trial if necessary. Sometimes, judicial intervention is required to address severe cases of gatekeeping where informal resolutions are ineffective.

Role of Mental Health Professionals

  1. Conduct Thorough Assessments: Forensic Psychiatrists/Psychologists should distinguish between restrictive gatekeeping and protective actions. It’s vital to assess the motivations behind gatekeeping behaviors and their impact on the child.
  2. Offer Counseling and Mediation: Mental health professionals can provide counseling services to help parents understand the importance of a balanced relationship with their children. Mediation can also be an effective tool in resolving conflicts and improving co-parenting dynamics.
  3. Implement Parenting Coordination Programs: These programs are designed to manage high-conflict divorce situations. They help regulate parental conflict and reduce the instances of restrictive gatekeeping, facilitating better outcomes for children.
  4. Educate and Train: Provide training for parents on the effects of gatekeeping on children’s psychological well-being. Education can empower parents to make informed decisions that prioritize the health and happiness of their children.

By addressing parental gatekeeping through legal and psychological interventions, you can help ensure that children maintain healthy relationships with both parents, which is essential for their development and well-being.

Conclusion

Through this examination of parental gatekeeping within the context of child custody, it’s evident that the well-being of children hinges on the ability of parents to navigate their roles effectively, whether together or apart.

Addressing and mitigating the impacts of gatekeeping requires a multifaceted approach encompassing understanding legal frameworks, seeking professional advice, and fostering positive co-parenting dynamics.

The insights shared here aim not only to shed light on the complexities surrounding restrictive and protective gatekeeping behaviors but also to emphasize the critical importance of maintaining the child’s best interests at the forefront of any custody decision.

Given the nuanced nature of parental gatekeeping and its potential long-term implications on family dynamics and children’s well-being, seeking professional guidance becomes paramount.

 Therefore, those navigating these challenging waters are encouraged to call Port and Sava for a free 15-minute telephone consultation, (516) 352-2999 ensuring that any step taken is in the right direction toward fostering healthier family relationships. Such proactive measures can make a significant difference in resolving conflicts and creating an environment where children can thrive, unaffected by the adverse effects of parental gatekeeping

Frequently Asked Questions: Parental Gatekeeping in New York Custody Cases

1. What is parental gatekeeping?

Parental gatekeeping refers to how one parent controls, facilitates, or restricts the child’s relationship with the other parent. It can either be positive (protecting the child) or negative (unfairly limiting access).

2. How does parental gatekeeping affect custody cases?

Gatekeeping behavior is a major factor in New York custody decisions. Courts favor parents who support and encourage the child’s relationship with the other parent, unless there are legitimate safety concerns.

3. What is the difference between positive and negative gatekeeping?

  • Positive gatekeeping protects the child from real harm, such as shielding them from abuse or dangerous behavior.
  • Negative gatekeeping occurs when a parent unfairly limits or damages the child’s relationship with the other parent without good reason.

4. Can negative gatekeeping cause me to lose custody?

Yes. If the court finds that a parent is unreasonably interfering with the other parent’s relationship with the child, it may award custody to the more cooperative parent.

5. What are some examples of negative gatekeeping?

Examples include:

  • Refusing to allow phone calls or visits without cause
  • Bad-mouthing the other parent to the child
  • Undermining the other parent’s authority
  • Falsely accusing the other parent of misconduct

6. How can I show that my gatekeeping was necessary and protective?

You must present credible evidence—such as police reports, medical records, witness statements, or expert testimony—that the other parent poses a legitimate risk to the child’s well-being.

7. What should I do if I’m being falsely accused of gatekeeping?

Document all your efforts to support the child’s relationship with the other parent. Save communications, follow court orders exactly, and maintain a respectful attitude toward co-parenting.

8. Does the child’s preference matter if gatekeeping is involved?

Yes, particularly if the child is older and can explain their reasons. However, the court looks carefully at whether the child’s preferences have been influenced or manipulated by one parent’s negative behavior.

The Innocent Spouse Relief, Domestic Violence and the IRS: 3 Critically Types

Gary Port
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The Innocent Spouse Relief, Domestic Violence and the IRS: 3 Critically Types

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Divorce and the Innocent Spouse Defense: What You Need to Know About Taxes

Innocent Spouse Relief provides a way for a spouse to avoid paying additional taxes if they can prove they didn’t know, and had no reason to know, about errors on a joint tax return. Separation of Liability Relief allocates tax liabilities between spouses who are no longer married, legally separated, or not living together. Equitable Relief offers assistance to taxpayers who don’t qualify for the other reliefs but would face unfair liability for understated or unpaid taxes. This defense can help those who find themselves unfairly burdened by their ex-spouse’s tax liabilities. In this article, we’ll break down the basics of the innocent spouse defense and how it relates to divorce, offering clear explanations and practical advice.

What Is the Innocent Spouse Defense?

The innocent spouse defense is a provision under U.S. tax law that allows one spouse to be relieved of responsibility for paying tax, interest, and penalties if their partner improperly reported items or omitted items on their joint tax return. This remedy is particularly important for divorced or separated individuals who might find themselves pursued by the IRS for their ex-spouse’s tax issues.

The innocent spouse defense is outlined in Section 6015 of the Internal Revenue Code. There are three types available under this section:

  1. Innocent Spouse Relief: This relieves a spouse from additional tax owed if they can prove they did not know, and had no reason to know, that there was an understatement of tax when they signed the joint return.
  2. Separation of Liability Relief: This applies to taxpayers who are no longer married, are legally separated, or not living together. It allocates the understated tax (plus interest and penalties) between the spouses.
  3. Equitable Relief: When neither innocent spouse relief nor separation of liability relief applies, a taxpayer may still qualify for help if it would be unfair to hold them liable for the understated or unpaid tax.

Why Is This Important in Divorce?

Divorce can drastically alter one’s financial landscape. When couples file joint tax returns, both partners are generally liable for the tax due, even if they later divorce. This means that if your spouse engaged in fraudulent or negligent tax activities without your knowledge, you could still be held responsible.

The innocent spouse defense can protect you from being unfairly penalized for your ex-spouse’s actions. It’s especially pertinent in situations where one spouse was in control of the finances and the other was unaware of the tax discrepancies.

Also, what people don’t realize is that tax returns must be produced in a divorce. If a Judge is aware of a crime they must report it. This includes tax fraud.

Overview of Innocent Spouse Rules and Requirements

The IRS provides specific criteria for determining whether you qualify for this defense. Here’s a detailed overview:

  1. Joint Tax Return Filing: You must have filed a joint tax return with your spouse. Joint filing is necessary because it creates joint and several liability, meaning both spouses are individually responsible for the entire tax debt.
  2. Erroneous Items: The understatement of tax must be due to erroneous items of the other spouse. Erroneous items include unreported income or incorrect deductions, credits, or property basis claims.
  3. Lack of Knowledge: You must prove that at the time you signed the joint return, you did not know, and had no reason to know, about the understatement of tax. The IRS considers several factors to determine whether you had reason to know, such as your involvement in the financial affairs of the marriage and your level of education and business experience.
  4. Inequity: Given all facts and circumstances, it must be unfair to hold you liable for the understatement of tax. The IRS will assess whether you benefited significantly from the erroneous items.

What Is Abuse and What Is Financial Control?

Abuse and financial control can significantly affect your eligibility for this defense The IRS recognizes that these factors can limit a spouse’s ability to question or understand the contents of a joint tax return.

  • Abuse: This includes physical, emotional, or mental abuse. A spouse who is subject to abuse may be too frightened to question the accuracy of a tax return or confront the other spouse about financial issues.
  • Financial Control: This occurs when one spouse exerts complete control over the financial resources and decision-making process in the household. This can prevent the other spouse from having access to financial information and understanding their joint tax liabilities.

The IRS considers abuse and financial control. These factors can support a claim that you had no reason to know about the erroneous items on the tax return and that it would be unfair to hold you liable.

Classic Case

Classic innocent spouse relief applies when all four of the following conditions are met:

  1. Joint Return: A joint return was filed for the tax year in question.
  2. Understatement of Tax: There is an understatement of tax due to erroneous items of the other spouse.
  3. No Knowledge: You did not know, and had no reason to know, that there was an understatement of tax.
  4. Inequity: It would be unfair to hold you liable for the understatement of tax.

Steps to Apply

If you believe you qualify follow these steps:

  1. File Form 8857: Submit IRS Form 8857, Request for Innocent Spouse Relief. You can download this form from the IRS website.
  2. Provide Documentation: Include any documentation that supports your claim, such as divorce decrees, affidavits, and financial records.
  3. Respond to IRS Requests: Be prepared to provide additional information if the IRS requests it during their review.

The IRS will notify your ex-spouse of your claim, and they will have an opportunity to respond. This can be a sensitive issue, so it’s essential to be prepared for this step.

Separation of Liability

If you don’t qualify you might still be eligible for equitable relief or separation of liability. For example, it may apply if you did not know and had no reason to know that the tax was understated or unpaid and it would be unfair to hold you responsible.

Separation of liability on the other hand, is available if you’re divorced, legally separated, or living apart for at least 12 months. This allows the tax debt to be allocated between you and your ex-spouse based on your respective involvement in the erroneous items reported on the return.

Practical Tips

  • Stay Informed: Always stay informed about the financial and tax matters in your marriage. Understanding your joint finances can prevent future issues.
  • Seek Professional Advice: Consulting with a tax professional or attorney can provide you with guidance tailored to your specific situation.
  • Act Quickly: If you suspect tax issues, act quickly to seek advice from an accountant or tax lawyer. Timing can be crucial as strict deadlines apply

Conclusion

Navigating the tax implications of divorce can be complicated, but understanding the innocent spouse defense can provide significant protection. By knowing your rights and the steps to take, you can avoid being unfairly burdened by your ex-spouse’s tax liabilities.

As divorce attorneys, while we may help spot the problem, we can’t assist you with the IRS. We will work closely with your accountants. This is critical. Your divorce lawyer and your accountant should be working together to protect your rights. Don’t leave either in the dark, and again, make sure that they are talking.

For more detailed information on this defense look at this IRS webpage. But more importantly, talk to your accountant and divorce lawyer.

Call Port and Sava at (516) 352-2999 for a free 15 Minute Telephone Consultation.

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